Heart opening

Hard to describe
Outburst of love for every being

Parallel to planted seed of acceptance
For myself

It's growing slowly
And it sometimes hurts.

I want to hug
Each and every person and being.

Today I fished for a small bug
stuck in my tea
He is ok.

Sometimes amount of love hits me hard
So hard that I'm not sure
If to cry and laugh

So I just continue.
Like love was the only thing I knew.

I want to embrace myself
And let myself blossom.

That's why

I want to embrace every being
And let it blossom

Not expecting anything in return.
Just loving the fact of being.
That' occurred.

Finding the nature of true happiness in Ashtanga practice

Hi everyone,
After couple of days of being in a dark place, today realizations come to me one after another. I would like to share it with you.

I spent my morning today as usuall, at the studio, first at Mysore room, then at pranayama class.
From some time, during practice, I've been battling with my mind over basically everything. The thoughts that arise during practice are usually negative self- defying thoughts, and I really did not know how to tackle them.
Recently I've been watching and reading extensive amount of things,  trying to find some solution to that, or at least some inspiration. But the true solution came to me as usual, by itself. Couple of days I had a little emotional breakdown, and I was completely, entirely, put down by all my negative views on myself. For two days (because of my day off and a moonday) I had not been practicing, but I've been trying to look deeply withing myself and see what is the root of my problem. Here is what I've come up with , and what I discovered today, when practicing.
Let's take a look at positive and negative thoughts. Let's make them equal. Let's name them pleasure and pain. For me it doesn't matter right now if there is a pleasure or pain involved. What I think I have to do, is to equally let them go. Just right away, without thinking. My strategy is as follows: the negative thought arises, I let it go. No thinking please. Move on. The same with positive. I don't know if it's harder to let go of a pleasant thought or sensation or a negative one.
They're both addictive.
They're both depending on one another.n
They're both deepening one another.
What I think one can do is to create and endure distance from both pleasure and pain.
You are beyond that. There is a subtle existence beyond that.
And beyond that is your peace.
Pain and pleasure does not constitute you.
So,
Where am I, if I'm not pain and pleasure?
Where am I, if I'm not my thoughts or emotions?
Where am I if I'm not my negative image of myself and my judgements or expectation?
Where am I if I'm not other peoples judgement or expectation.

I AM NOW.
Thats the answer to all that.
Where else could you be?
;)

Sensations make us human too at some level.
They give some taste to our lives.
But really we cannot let them rule us over.
Otherwise, they will make us go crazy and control us.
There is a space beyond them.
In this space, the peace exists,
And you can get closer to who you really are.
Dig deeper to the core of yourself.

Another thought is,
If there weren't extremes, there would not be a middle.
Similary
If there was no suffering or pleasure, the would not be peace.
But!
If there was no discomfort ,
There would be no need for change.

Thats why I'm glad that I cried my eyeballs out on Wednesday. It was necessary, so that I discover it. That I can go and not be my negative thoughts. I can totally go beyond them.

What's important though, I think one needs to discover it on your own. It's similar with a child. Tell him where to go but not say exactly where the treasure is and he will discover it buried under one of the trees.

Today, having so many realizations, I went to Pranayama class.
Towards the end, I had this amazing visualization, like a big white ball of energy would open and explode straight to my face. I felt so light, that for a moment I though I will surely levitate ;)
No but seriously, that was amazing.

For my entire life, I was convinced, partly subconsciously,  that the source of happiness is pleasure.
While now I know that the real happiness comes from inner peace, and maintaing the balance between the extrems.
It doesn't mean that now you have to avoid pleasure to not touch your inner peace too much ;)  It's impossible to live with no pain also. It means that you have to attain certain eqanimity, so that the happiness of yours does not rely on the outside force such as pain and pleasure. The happiness is inside you, no matter what.

Personally, I feel, that the access to peace is not given, or should be not taken for granted. It is something that requires constant work and raising awarness within yourself. If you feel peaceful today, it doesn't autiomatically mean that you will tomorrow. You have to work for it every step of a way. For me it is like lighting a torchlight in a dark corridor. During my practice I try to bring the light to my negative thoughts by exposing  them to the light of conciousness, and letting them go. This is work.

But it gives the happiness that is really hard to imagine!

An eviction party for negative thoughts ... And everygreen question of balance.

Panic, panic.
My best know reaction.
For virtually everything.

I'll tell you a short (and true) story.
How one day I went from complete panic to laughter
In less than 50 minutes.

It was just one day,
I came really aggravated.
I'm not sure why.
I just sometimes wake up like this.
I was just really really worried.
Even the bike ride didn't cheer me up.
In my head the thoughts where having a ball.
(Maybe even a prom.... ;)
I just felt so tired.
I thought my back pain will never go away.
The thoughts in my head were telling me
That I can't keep on going anymore.
That sound familiar.
It's not the first time I've heard this voice.

But I kept on going.



I really felt nauseas and dizzy.
But I locked my bike and proceeded to the studio.
I knew that practice is ready to welcome me
No matter how I feel.


So,
I unrolled my mat.
That's how the magic happened.

I felt almost instant shift in my mood.
By the 3rd Sun Salutation B,
It was better.
By the Trikonasana, it was ok.
When I reached the sited sequence,
My brains and my mind, felt completely free.

Sometimes it's all a matter of decision.
The negative feelings arise,
I see them.
But I choose to not feed them.
To not dwell and entertain them.
So they don't get comfortable here.

Then I can make a choice to.
I can chose to let them go.
It actually helps to say to yourself, couple of times.
I let it go.

I know that the feelings of worry do not make anything better.
They do not solve the problems itself.
I just have problem with letting them go.
OR rather to make a decision to let them go.

I think this is because I'm used to them.
Like they were the only thing I ever knew.
Because they are really.
But now it's starting to change.
Very slowly, but there is something going on.
(An eviction party for negative thoughts !!!!!)
(Maybe I have to organize one :D)
(That'd be awesome ;)

Like today.
I was unwell at the morning and I dressed and undressed couple of times before I decided I REALLY seriously can't go today, I'm too just unwell.
There was also another decision to make.
My first instinct was: oh no. I want to go! And I'm gonna die from sadness if I don't go. But then I decided to not give in to it. And let it go. There is always tomorrow.

From the moment I was born, I was always swinging through extremes. Till now.
I'm either super happy or completely somewhere in despair.
That's another question - question of balance.
Then again practice can help me look for that.
Like, you know, I was working on that Uddiyana Bandha thing.
The effect was there but sometimes I just went overboard with tensing up everything so much that the breathing was out of question.
The problem is that you can't really balance for example a headstand when your whole body is tensed like a piece of wood. So I need to look for balance. Everywhere. Not only on the mat. That's quite a challenge for my extreme personality I must say ;)

I think it also takes a lot of acceptance, love towards yourself. Like unconditional acceptance. To just be able to make that change. I'm still looking for it.

It's all also really connected.
Like everything.
Together with accepting your failures.
Letting yourself enjoy,
Knowing that you don't have to make yourself suffer.
(At least try to not do it all the time ;)

Then again I'm not sure how it all happens
But it happens.
And it feels pretty wonderful.
Together with being sheer grateful for what you've got
And actually not wanting anything more
Enjoying the moment you've got now.

Finding something beautiful in each moment
Every person
And yourself.
Learning something from each moment,
Every person.

Loving unconditionally
Each moment,
Every person
(Especially person that can be unpleasant to you!)
And even yourself !

I do realise it all could sound like a bunch of clichės 
But I am discovering a new land for myself so....;)