Heart opening

Hard to describe
Outburst of love for every being

Parallel to planted seed of acceptance
For myself

It's growing slowly
And it sometimes hurts.

I want to hug
Each and every person and being.

Today I fished for a small bug
stuck in my tea
He is ok.

Sometimes amount of love hits me hard
So hard that I'm not sure
If to cry and laugh

So I just continue.
Like love was the only thing I knew.

I want to embrace myself
And let myself blossom.

That's why

I want to embrace every being
And let it blossom

Not expecting anything in return.
Just loving the fact of being.
That' occurred.

Finding the nature of true happiness in Ashtanga practice

Hi everyone,
After couple of days of being in a dark place, today realizations come to me one after another. I would like to share it with you.

I spent my morning today as usuall, at the studio, first at Mysore room, then at pranayama class.
From some time, during practice, I've been battling with my mind over basically everything. The thoughts that arise during practice are usually negative self- defying thoughts, and I really did not know how to tackle them.
Recently I've been watching and reading extensive amount of things,  trying to find some solution to that, or at least some inspiration. But the true solution came to me as usual, by itself. Couple of days I had a little emotional breakdown, and I was completely, entirely, put down by all my negative views on myself. For two days (because of my day off and a moonday) I had not been practicing, but I've been trying to look deeply withing myself and see what is the root of my problem. Here is what I've come up with , and what I discovered today, when practicing.
Let's take a look at positive and negative thoughts. Let's make them equal. Let's name them pleasure and pain. For me it doesn't matter right now if there is a pleasure or pain involved. What I think I have to do, is to equally let them go. Just right away, without thinking. My strategy is as follows: the negative thought arises, I let it go. No thinking please. Move on. The same with positive. I don't know if it's harder to let go of a pleasant thought or sensation or a negative one.
They're both addictive.
They're both depending on one another.n
They're both deepening one another.
What I think one can do is to create and endure distance from both pleasure and pain.
You are beyond that. There is a subtle existence beyond that.
And beyond that is your peace.
Pain and pleasure does not constitute you.
So,
Where am I, if I'm not pain and pleasure?
Where am I, if I'm not my thoughts or emotions?
Where am I if I'm not my negative image of myself and my judgements or expectation?
Where am I if I'm not other peoples judgement or expectation.

I AM NOW.
Thats the answer to all that.
Where else could you be?
;)

Sensations make us human too at some level.
They give some taste to our lives.
But really we cannot let them rule us over.
Otherwise, they will make us go crazy and control us.
There is a space beyond them.
In this space, the peace exists,
And you can get closer to who you really are.
Dig deeper to the core of yourself.

Another thought is,
If there weren't extremes, there would not be a middle.
Similary
If there was no suffering or pleasure, the would not be peace.
But!
If there was no discomfort ,
There would be no need for change.

Thats why I'm glad that I cried my eyeballs out on Wednesday. It was necessary, so that I discover it. That I can go and not be my negative thoughts. I can totally go beyond them.

What's important though, I think one needs to discover it on your own. It's similar with a child. Tell him where to go but not say exactly where the treasure is and he will discover it buried under one of the trees.

Today, having so many realizations, I went to Pranayama class.
Towards the end, I had this amazing visualization, like a big white ball of energy would open and explode straight to my face. I felt so light, that for a moment I though I will surely levitate ;)
No but seriously, that was amazing.

For my entire life, I was convinced, partly subconsciously,  that the source of happiness is pleasure.
While now I know that the real happiness comes from inner peace, and maintaing the balance between the extrems.
It doesn't mean that now you have to avoid pleasure to not touch your inner peace too much ;)  It's impossible to live with no pain also. It means that you have to attain certain eqanimity, so that the happiness of yours does not rely on the outside force such as pain and pleasure. The happiness is inside you, no matter what.

Personally, I feel, that the access to peace is not given, or should be not taken for granted. It is something that requires constant work and raising awarness within yourself. If you feel peaceful today, it doesn't autiomatically mean that you will tomorrow. You have to work for it every step of a way. For me it is like lighting a torchlight in a dark corridor. During my practice I try to bring the light to my negative thoughts by exposing  them to the light of conciousness, and letting them go. This is work.

But it gives the happiness that is really hard to imagine!

An eviction party for negative thoughts ... And everygreen question of balance.

Panic, panic.
My best know reaction.
For virtually everything.

I'll tell you a short (and true) story.
How one day I went from complete panic to laughter
In less than 50 minutes.

It was just one day,
I came really aggravated.
I'm not sure why.
I just sometimes wake up like this.
I was just really really worried.
Even the bike ride didn't cheer me up.
In my head the thoughts where having a ball.
(Maybe even a prom.... ;)
I just felt so tired.
I thought my back pain will never go away.
The thoughts in my head were telling me
That I can't keep on going anymore.
That sound familiar.
It's not the first time I've heard this voice.

But I kept on going.



I really felt nauseas and dizzy.
But I locked my bike and proceeded to the studio.
I knew that practice is ready to welcome me
No matter how I feel.


So,
I unrolled my mat.
That's how the magic happened.

I felt almost instant shift in my mood.
By the 3rd Sun Salutation B,
It was better.
By the Trikonasana, it was ok.
When I reached the sited sequence,
My brains and my mind, felt completely free.

Sometimes it's all a matter of decision.
The negative feelings arise,
I see them.
But I choose to not feed them.
To not dwell and entertain them.
So they don't get comfortable here.

Then I can make a choice to.
I can chose to let them go.
It actually helps to say to yourself, couple of times.
I let it go.

I know that the feelings of worry do not make anything better.
They do not solve the problems itself.
I just have problem with letting them go.
OR rather to make a decision to let them go.

I think this is because I'm used to them.
Like they were the only thing I ever knew.
Because they are really.
But now it's starting to change.
Very slowly, but there is something going on.
(An eviction party for negative thoughts !!!!!)
(Maybe I have to organize one :D)
(That'd be awesome ;)

Like today.
I was unwell at the morning and I dressed and undressed couple of times before I decided I REALLY seriously can't go today, I'm too just unwell.
There was also another decision to make.
My first instinct was: oh no. I want to go! And I'm gonna die from sadness if I don't go. But then I decided to not give in to it. And let it go. There is always tomorrow.

From the moment I was born, I was always swinging through extremes. Till now.
I'm either super happy or completely somewhere in despair.
That's another question - question of balance.
Then again practice can help me look for that.
Like, you know, I was working on that Uddiyana Bandha thing.
The effect was there but sometimes I just went overboard with tensing up everything so much that the breathing was out of question.
The problem is that you can't really balance for example a headstand when your whole body is tensed like a piece of wood. So I need to look for balance. Everywhere. Not only on the mat. That's quite a challenge for my extreme personality I must say ;)

I think it also takes a lot of acceptance, love towards yourself. Like unconditional acceptance. To just be able to make that change. I'm still looking for it.

It's all also really connected.
Like everything.
Together with accepting your failures.
Letting yourself enjoy,
Knowing that you don't have to make yourself suffer.
(At least try to not do it all the time ;)

Then again I'm not sure how it all happens
But it happens.
And it feels pretty wonderful.
Together with being sheer grateful for what you've got
And actually not wanting anything more
Enjoying the moment you've got now.

Finding something beautiful in each moment
Every person
And yourself.
Learning something from each moment,
Every person.

Loving unconditionally
Each moment,
Every person
(Especially person that can be unpleasant to you!)
And even yourself !

I do realise it all could sound like a bunch of clichės 
But I am discovering a new land for myself so....;)

Long and bumpy road into self - acceptance

I'm currently jumping with my pink yoga towel into dark well of self- hatered

;)

(I really have to use some humor here :D

Tomorrow is Moonday. This information was somehow not surprising.

I think that the moon seen that I've reached my limit in battling with my mind every day and I fully admit, that I need to have a day off. I will gladly sleep in and give myself a break from thinking. I will even more gladly go back on mat the next day :)Cause the limit of rest for me is one day in a row. (I'm not sure if that expression is grammatically or conceptually correct ;)

The road to accepting yourself is very hard and bumpy. 

Gosh I'd love to love myself. 

But everyday that I step on my mat (and pink towel that should brighten my thoughts but it doesn't ;), I dig into the well without a bottom of self-hatred and self -defying thoughts. In this clip, Kino MacGregor speaks beautifully about using your practice as a mirror for yourself.

 Gosh sometimes I wish I didn't see myself there. But I somehow come every day. Because I felt shift in my thoughts, and I've seen changes for good. I believe I can heal my self image too, as it is the top problem that came into surface right now. I know that if I don't come, and if I give up, I might just never get the chance to face it. That's a very tricky thing that yoga asks you to do. You come and you do your practice, and you continue this practice even if everything inside you screams to stop and to give up. Also in the clip mentioned above, Kino talks about burning through the obstacles, and that the most obstacles are presented itself by the mind. I could not agree more, as I checked for myself.

I came to the point in my practice, that I really feel like crying every day. I just have this feeling of hating myself so much sometimes. Of wishing I was someone else, or wishing that I didn't exists at all. What's magical about that.... Whenever those feelings arise, I just continue with the practice. This is something new for me, because I'm used to quitting in the moment that I feel an emotional breakdown is coming.  I just shut myself down. What that did to me, is that it disabled me to face my fears. Right now I just feel like I'm standing face to face with them, and every day I understand myself a little more, and I come to terms with myself a little more. It's very hard to notice that shift on a daily basis, but if you you look in perspective of couple of weeks or months, you can really see it. I think it's necessary to go though that, I don't have any scientific proof, but I just feel it's right. Every day I feel like I can't stand myself any more and I really wish I was someone else. But at the end, I finish my practice, and I go home, and I feel stronger than I was the day before. Because I faced myself. As stupid as it sounds. And as simple as it can be. 

And as difficult as it can get. 

I've been running away from myself all my life. Now is time to stop.

I send healing thoughts and love to anyone who is going thought that now, or facing any of their inside black holes. 

Keep practicing :) and don't give up on yourself! 

Joanna

Practice update ! (Aka tortoise big entrance;)

Hi guys!
I thought I will post a little practice update :)

So, first of all,
During last couple of weeks I had been feeling better in terms of my back problems.
It went on and off, and about three weeks ago , it just stopped. I had a couple of muscle spasms and sometimes I felt really stiff there, but it was nothing comparing to before. Since a week or so, I don't have any pain. It's a second week now I'm doing Urdhva Dhanurasana, from the floor and I didn't have a single pain in that once (knock knock in the unpainted wood ;).
Today was the first day since two months I guess, that I had straighten my legs in Kurmasana, and then did Supta Kurmasana, slow and easy, with no legs behind a head. I sort of missed this posture ;) I was thinking yesterday, wondering really if I will catch! But I did ;) what I forgot about is the exit though. Heheh. "My favorite exit ". To my surprise, it was not so bad! Really. I didn't fall or tip over. It was not smooth, but not very bad either ;)
And the most important thing of all is that I didn't have any pain! (Knock knock knock knock... ;)
I still work my strenght. Some days i feel stronger, and the other days I feel like a bag of potatoes :D I didn't do my strength workout today, cause I felt so sick this morning I was surprised I got though all the practice. But hey, I still can do it later in a day :)
I really feel like I've been using muscles that I didn't know I have. I try to remember about keeping my centre strong, because I really don't want to be injured again. And I want to be stronger! Like Kino MacGregor ;)
On that note, I've been really trying to jump back lately. I think the problem has at least three layers, if not more... I would say first thing is strength. Then there is also fear of falling on my face (which I had been trying to alleviate by falling on purpose ;). And there is also breath - just recently I had discovered that I'm not breathing when I jump back. I hold my breath and then I try to jump back, which is not gonna happen that way ;) so yeah. It really complex movement. It does not look so complex. I learned that the things that don't look that complex usually are very complex :)
I've been also re-working my headstand with mixed luck. I mean, surely I can balance on my head when I don't keep my stomach in and I just contort my spine. Which doesn't make any sense.  What I'm trying to do is to  go with bend legs for now, and suck the belly in, have the head on the top, my arms aligned, my ribs in, my shoulder blades down. And I try breathe remembering all of those. :) I fall, and I tip over, I fall again, than again, I sometimes catch it, and then I fall ;) but I much rather fall and fall then do it incorrectly and injure myself again.
What's actually really funny, is that stuff like that makes you really appreciate what you've got. Before having pain and all that, I was stuck up on getting to get up from Urdhva Dhanurasana, then acomplishing more and more. And now I really get to appreciate the postures I can do, and welcome with open arms those that I could do wrong and now I have re-learn for my own sake. It's been quite a journey from being angry at myself to not being able to do something, to actually realizing that I'm good the way I'm and if I do my best and approach things with understanding of how to work, I will be just fine. It sort of took my attention from rushing things, and more into deepening the understanding of basic foundations.

My mind had been on my way most of times. I needed and still need to look for balance between reacting to things that my body tells me, observing it, and overreacting. There was one day that I felt a little muscle spasm and got really freaked out by it. My teacher told me, I'm fine, that nothing bad is happening. And I was like, really, nothing is happening. From that time on, I did not have any pain. Just a realization that I will be fine helped me. And I try myself to tell myself that I am ok. It's what I want to accomplish more than any posture. To be able to tell my mind that it's over reacting and it needs to stop. Work in progress :)

What also helps to realize is that I've been wanting for that injury to go away completely, like right away. You know, black and white. It either hurts me or not. It will go away completely right now, or I will play around that forever. What really helps to understand is that is a process. There will pain sometimes, and the other days it won't. I just gotta play it by ear, and just tune in and listen, without freaking out.

There also had been another mind related issue. I've been concentrating too much on myself and I felt really egoic, and self centered. Without judging myself, ive been trying to turn the things around a little. So the following thing works:
Whenever I get entangled in "me me me" circle, or I get worried about myself too much, I try to turn the things around a bit. I stop think about me, or what the others can do for me, but I just take myself up, however I feel at the moment and and I think what can I do for others. How can I brighten someone's day? What could make this place a better place? When I move one with that action, however small, I always, without fail, feel better at the end, and feel less self centered. It doesn't have to be anything big. It can be as simple as giving someone an honest compliment, giving a listening presence to someone that needs to be heard, or going out in a hot day with water for pigeons. Can be anything.
I just feel I received so much, I have a constant urge to give back.
And every day, there is always something or someone to be grateful about :)
Enjoy your practice :)
Joanna

What's it all for? (injury rock'n'roll - not a waltz anymore ;)

What's it all for? I can't do Supta Kurmasana. My life is now officially over :D
No but seriously, it all can be a pain in the ass (well sometimes, exactly ;) it just going on for "so long" and it seems like it will never be over.
Ok, but so sometimes I really get frustrated. Or have a bad day. Who doesn't ? But you know what's even more interesting? Sometimes have a really awesome day, even though I'm still technically injured. Really. My lives goes on. I breathe. Sometimes even do Ujjayi. Sometimes, I even keep Uddiyana Bandha. When I remember :D
I wanted to share some insights that the injury monster had gave me. How did I continue to live and practice? Some things started to evolve. I'm not an expert (far away from that...) but maybe someone will see that it's really not only you going though that monster cave.

Nothing is forever.
Once I began to practice, about six months ago, I was subconsciously convinced that I once I learned full primary then I will always do full primary. Once I started to do backdrops I will always do backdrops. Once I started intermediate I will till the rest of my days do pasasana. No such thing as always. That together with your life or whatever happens to you, that practice will change too. It will always be there, if you will allow it to but it will evolve. Which brings us to the....

Yoga's not only asana
Which I heard and read many many times but once you get injured, you will start to internalize.  Why? Read on.

Your value is not in your achievements
That was the first struggle I faced. I though if I won't be able to do all this backbends and all this turtles and others, I'm not worth anything. Really ugly feelings came up. I was angry at myself frustrated at my lack of capacity to be welland also jealous of others who could do those things. That's where I started to use my dialy practice as a mirror. I stopped reacting to feelings as they came up. I saw my frustrations on mat as a pattern that I repeat in my life. Because I really don't think of myself very well. I often wish I was someone else.
It made me embrace my humanity. Slowly it came to my head that it's enough if I do my best everyday without hurting myself. In fact... I don't want to hurt myself. It was and still is a very slow process. It doesn't happen overnight...
Which bring us to:

Giving time.
Man I love to rush things. I love speed and I love to go fast (have you ever seen me on my bike? ;) If i didnt have a teacher I would probably go way too fast. Recovery really needs time. All the changes in mind need even more time. Sometimes i feel so entangled in my mind that I sort of think if I will never change. Sometimes changes are so subtle it is really hard to notice them on a day to day  basis. But in two weeks or a month you will see. You will look back and think, wow, I was a different person.
I sometimes think that before my injury will go completely away, there is a change in mind, in attitude that's needs to be done first. I don't know why I think that, but I'm pretty sure, that before I can move on, my mind needs to be ready.

Less chatter, more listening
There's been some little awkward shift in my sensitivity lately, when it comes to senses. I've been told many times that I should start listening to my body more, and I really tried (with mixed luck ;) to tune in. It's been fairly ok now.
So here is a more literal listening story : I lost my iPod nano. And then I found it yesterday! Guess what, I just could not believe the volume I had been listening to. I had to lower it down significantly and also with my iPad. More sensitive sense of hearing? Maybe.
There is also something even more awkward. I had some really weird and actually kind of creepy psychic stuff going on. I would think something, and it would stay in my subconscious and the next day it would happen. And of course I would be just super creeped out :D

More peace and carry on ;)
I think that the less impatience I have for the injury to go away, the more peace I get.
This situation had caused a stir in myself and I feel like it flipped everything I've been used to upside down.  It taught me to stop panicking and just carring on with whatever I can do. I have a tendency to quit when something seems too hard or way beyond my limitation. I just want to shut the door and stay home and cry. Injury has taught me (or is still trying to teach me ;)  that whatever situation comes up, I can take a deep breath, step back and treat it with peace, and just carry on. Then again, this way of thinking did not come overnight. I did have a couple of episodes of complete panic. But it starts to instill itself more and I'm really glad, cause I always wanted more peace, but I just never had any tool to derive it. It also translates to a daily life. I've been stuck in couple of unpleasant situations and managed to step back and heal the entire situation with love rather then just acting out on emotions. It really surprised me , but then I know where I learned that (namaste).

Hey last but not least.... There's been a moment when I almost quit. The mind was so entangled, I was so tired of all that. I just didn't know what to do anymore.
I do still sometimes get confused. I have bad days and and I sometimes panic.
But at the end I think it's all worth it. It really takes you on a journey I never thought I will embark and teaches you things that you think you are never or too old to learn or re-learn.
This experience has taught me that the practice itself is not to be taken for granted. Just as a gift of life. It really puts everything into perspective. I understood how sacred it was the moment I was about to loose it. I knew I could stand firmly even if the ground spins. And I actually relax into that spinning and don't fall over or hurt myself.
I understood that the power comes from me. And I am capable of taking care of myself. I got a tiny little taste of strength that lies within me. And for which I had been so desperately searching outside.
It's just a beginning of a journey, but I know I can dig deeper into that strength. Slowly, one day at the time. I also feel gratitude  that I'm blessed with people that can point me into that direction.
I just can't say much more, other than... Keep practicing. (And all is coming)
Namaste :)
Joanna

Injury waltz + 14 steps to dance it ;)

Hello,

So yeah, injury sometimes it happens and it also happened to me. During last couple of weeks I had problems with my back, especially lower back part, and I felt some tension and mild pain. That means I had to modify my practice (with help of my teacher) and drop second series, deep backbends and also Supta Kurmasana. The guess is actually that I might have hurt myself during Supta Kurmasana entry (that I was doing Dwi Pada way) and I might have pushed my legs behind my head too much too quickly; which is I think quite possible ;) I also felt a little pop when entering headstand two weeks ago... The diagnosis is basically that one of the joints of my pelvis keeps on popping out of the socket what is the source of pain. My massage therapist told me that this is usually like you have to put it inside the socket couple of times before it stays in for good.
After seeing the massage therapist for the second time on Thrusday, the pain went away completely. Maybe this pelvis of mine decided to stay in the socket after all. (FINGERS CROSSED!) I need to be extra careful the next couple of days so I don't do anything that it will make it pop out. On the other hand, how naughty of the pelvis to try and go somewhere without me! Unbelievable ! ;)
Anyway,
 I collected some tips from my teacher, and my own observations that I think are helpful through the recovery process. I know that I myself had been browsing the net madly searching "ashtanga yoga back pain" "ashtanga yoga back injury" "popping hip" etc etc etc etc endlessly, to look for some other people experiences. That's why I decided to put this up for other lost souls ;) These are just some things that I found useful, and they don't necessary have to be true for everybody.
(In no particular order)

1) Modify your practice
If you keep on going with the regular stuff you do, you might (or will) make the injury worst.
Consult with your teacher the poses you should omit or modify.
If something gives you pain, back off immediately, and let your teacher know.
At first I had problem with not checking again if something hurts. For example I did Urdhva Dhanurasana and it hurt so I went back down, and tried again. I would say it's not a good idea. Just back off immediately.

2) Listen to your body
Sounds properly ridiculous when said by me but hey, at least try.  ;) I'm really bad in listening to my body and there are many things that stand on my way. First of all my body doesn't give me many signals and if it does they are very subtle and easy to ignore. Through years of dancing I successfully learned to ignore those signals and just kept on going regardless of the pain. That's one if the reasons I think I got finally injured. Yoga asked me to listen more carefully and do not ignore the signals. That also requires quite an amount of focus, that in my case gets pulled really easily, so I have to put some extra effort.

3)Drop the ego or rather "let it bleed to dead"
Here is an awesome post by Kino MacGregor that treats on ashtanga, injury and ego.
A must read!
Healing injuries with yoga by Kino MacGregor
A must watch:

4)Have an experienced teacher you trust

And let him/her know of your problem. He/she will help you modify your practice and advice you what postures you should avoid to not make the injury worst and help the body to heal. A good teacher can also be a source of valuable advice when it comes to dealing with injury. 

5) Have just one teacher

Sure its fun to do workshops or drop-ins in other teacher's class from time to time, but now it isn't a time. Nobody knows your practice and body as well as your regular teacher and I would personally not feel safe anywhere else if I was injured. 

Given that another teacher does not know the nature of your own injury , he or she might unintentionally hurt you when adjusting.

That being said if you already have two teachers, make sure the both stay up to date with your problem.

6)Listen to what your teacher says!

Even the best teacher won't help if you won't listen to him. When your teacher says don't do something, submit. He/she does not do that to annoy you, but for your own benefit. 

7) Get a proper diagnosis 

It actually should be the first step. It's important to know what exactly is going on in order to get treatment that will help and to modify your practice in accordance to what's actually wrong. The better you know what's causing the problem the more help you can get.

8)Get a good massage/phisio therapist

And if you are in Warsaw, there's a good one here

http://astanga.pl/pl/fizjoterapia/

9)Keep positive and don't freak out. 

Worrying never cured anything. (If it did let me know ;)

I know that although I have my double PhD in worrying but it really doesn't help, it makes it worst. I read about the study that shows a connection between attitude of mind and chance of complete recovery. People that have a positive attitude recover faster for variety of reasons. One of them is more ability to take action, other than just idle worry. Worry also creates tension in the body, that does not help the recovery.

 If you are already worried here are some things we can do:

- try to rationalize

- talk to your teacher (that helped:) you are not the only person on earth that ever had an injury. 

-take actions ! Go get a diagnosis, go to a treatment, do something to aid an injury. It will take your mind off worring and into actually some productive stuff.

-Indulge into distraction. Watch a movie, write a poem, draw a picture. 

(Or write a very long blog post :D

11)Take an extra day off if you need to.

Respect you body's need for an extra time of and give it to it. Get plenty of rest and sleep. This isnt a good time to take an extra work on. 

12)Do not  Doctor Google yourself

That's what I did, it only made me more nervous ! 

I mean let's face it - unless you see a professional there is no 100% confidence what's up with you. So really, obsessing over it doesn't help.  Really. I've checked it! ;)

14)Address the problem 

 Find a way to work so that the injury does not re appear in future.

For me it turned out to be lack of balance between strength and flexibility, because I'm lacking strength. Here is a combo of strength exercises that my teacher recommended I do, so I get stronger. 

I have to warn you though - it looks easy but it is KILLER. Good for me! :)

Changing my mind

(No, I did not "changed my mind" and stopped practicing, quite the opposite ;) getting more and more into it.

So,
Hello,
I almost finished re-reading "Guruji". I had this need to do so, as I read it almost 2.5 months ago and now I have a little different perspective on things, and wanted to read some stuff again ( That way also read Kino's "Sacred Fire" 3 times ;)
Anyway, I've been looking for some reference for changes that I see in myself, or are just beginning to develop. I also been browsing the web, looking at other peoples blogs or articles and enjoying seeing other people perspective.

Changing my mind.... You mean MY mind?    That can take a lot of work man.
Sometimes (most of times), I think that my mind is so entangled, that I will never untangle it. Impossible is nothing though, cause I already noticed some tight knots loosening...
I'm not sure though how did it all happen. I read a lot about the transformational work the practice does to our body and mind. I know Yoga  Chikitsa is yoga therapy, body cleansing and I know Nadi Sodhana is nervous system purification. I know it's all even scientifically proven, but I don't know how exactly does it work. I just know that it works. :)
Seriously, if it didn't work, why would I do that?
That's why I also got some perspective on why did I never got hooked on yoga before. Because, it just didn't work. And when something doesn't work, I just drop it.
So anyway, here is something happening to me. I can read whatever I want, for inspiration but I believe is the practice itself that does all the change.


Nervousness and morning nausea
It's been something that's been bothering me like forever now. I got up at the morning, every morning, with terrible nausea. It was not because of anything that I ate. No matter what I would eat, I feel like that. I knew, it was stress. From about 2.5 months now, I didn't have it ONCE. I mean, I felt sick for other reasons, but then I knew that I was not nervous, I was just sick because I ate something, or whatever. I used to dread mornings so much because I was afraid I will get sick. It also had to do with me having bad associations with mornings from when I was a child. I was thinking if I put something positive in the morning, it will change.  Now mornings are my favorite part of a day. I don't know if it's also not like yoga would remove some of big amounts of stress that been hanging over me, in some magical way that I can't explain yet ;) I don't know, it's only that all the morning sickness is gone.

Hard situations, conflicts, interactions  & peace
Everyone has them. Doesn't have to be a disaster, but even a little argument or rude stranger, that can put you off for an entire day. Or problem that is in your head, doesn't let you rest. Or a delusional problem that is in your head.
I would react quickly, say things I regreat, heat the conflict even more, and make myself even more nervous than I was before.
For whatever reasons, and however it happened... Whenever something's sets me off, I take a step back. I prefer to not say anything than to say something that will only stir up more. I obviously don't want someone to step on my head, but I don't raise my voice and act as calm as I can. I try to always think of Ahimsa and compassion, although it's really hard to have a compassion towards someone who is really mean to you. I just remember that this person is also suffering for whatever reasons, and replace the anger with compassion. I think it's really hard, but worth trying. I think there is enough of anger and violence in the world and I deffinetly do not want to chip in to that, or add more gasoline to the fire.
I made a vow with myself, that whatever happens, I will keep my peace. I don't know how it works, and how did it came to my mind, but it works.

The same things is with delusional problems that I sometimes invent when I'm bored ;) I try to not panic but welcome them with peace. The same is fear. I sort if learned to face it. It seems like I had this ideas in my mind before but I just felt like I have no tools or no idea how to apply it. It feels like yoga gave me those tools, I just don't know how.... :)


Patience Incorporated Ltd. ;)
One little thing I got, and I kind of know how did it got it is more patience.
I think is when I can't get some posture for some time, and I keep on trying every day. It instilled this patience within, and I've noticed myself being more patient with my students. I'm really greateful for that because I really do need it every day :)

Living in now
I really try to be present at all times. It made me notice the little things that I seem to not notice before. I can smile at sunrise or sunset. I enjoy feeding birds in the area by house. I love to smile to child in a bus, or a stranger. There are so many things that make me happy and they are not in the past or future.

Laugh
I've been laughing more and more, throughout the day.
Couple if years ago I wondering if I will ever regain some of my bubbliness and simple happiness I had before some of not-so-happy happenings in my life.
I've been always trying and I never knew how to do that, how can I laugh again?
About two weeks ago, one of my regular students said, "you know, you're always happy, you're always laughing, you're always in a good mood". And then I thought, yes I am. I don't remember last day that I would not feel happy at least 50% of the day. I don't remember last day that I wouldn't laugh at least couple of times.

These are only couple of things, but these things are really important to me.
I'm really greateful for it. And I feel that the good change will continue :)
Enjoy your practice!
Joanna

Biting into Second Series (Or Second Series biting into me ;)

Hi guys,
Lovely weather today in Warsaw. Sunny and warm, when I got up at 6 am I was really wowed how nice the weather was already. :) two months ago when I got up at that time, or at 6:45 bus, it was already dark.

Lately, I've been enjoying some new challenges re:Second Series, and wanted to share my experience so far, although very little experience ;)
For the time being, I'm doing first 3 postures, started to learn about 3 weeks ago.
First I have to say that I forgot how it is to learn a new posture and that it is not only new posture but also new vinyasa. I remember when I was learning Primary Series, my stamina would feel challenged to the point that I couldn't catch breath after the practice. It gradually got better as I got used to more postures. I just remember that adding Setu Bandhasana. After that for  about two weeks after the practice I was completely wiped out.  And then my body got used to. But then, another teacher came in and I started to learn some of other vinyasas like the one after Bujapidasana or Supta Kurmasana.
Because one has to remember when you learn new posture it's also a vinyasa, which is usually as hard as the posture itself or sometimes even more difficult.

So the first three postures I would say, look deceptively easy.  Ok let's say the first two look deceptively easy, cause the third one did not appear easy to me at all ;)
Let's do it one by one (also with vinyasas).

Pasasana
This posture is a combination of twist and balance, and pretty  difficult bind.
I usually have to be carefull to not compromise the bind for the twist. I bind both sides although the second side seems more difficult, and try to not forget the twist. And when I remember the twist I then have to figure out the balance part and just be careful to stand on two feet. And look back. :) a lot of things to think about :)

Then vinyasa is jump back to chaturanga but first you gotta go on your hands and tuck the knees to the chest. Not so easy :)

Krounchasana
So the first challenge here is jump into the posture. I can't do it yet, especially on the other side. But I keep on trying.
Then another challenge is to bring up the leg straight without rounding the back to much. Here is a nice video of Kino about it:

Then there is a vinyasa, but you have to jump back directly from the posture, without crossing the legs. First days I tried, I rolled my mat with the front leg ;) 

Then I also managed to hit myself couple of times with the leg, I still don't know how did I do that but I sort of knocked myself out once ;)

Then I figured that maybe I can bend the front leg and turned it out a little. I'm not sure if it's not cheating a little ;) but that way I can jump back, it's not very smooth obviously, but maybe in a couple of years or so.... :)

Shalabhasana A and B

The latest addition is Shalabhasana. You enter the posture from chaturanga. 

It's really the hardest one though, because it is a backbend and I'm usually a scared of backbends. ;)  I don't have much to say about it yet, because I learned it just today, so more information will surely come, when I start to figure things out a little more :) 

So right now I'm hitting close to 2 hours of practice time. I need about 1 hour and 50 minutes to do everything. Good thing is that I don't have to rush anywhere in the morning, can have some time to rest afterwards. Anyhow, I do enjoy new challenge :)

That's it for today I guess :)

Till next time!

Joanna

Practice update

So hi,
I wanted to share what's new in my practice, what had I discovered, where I did have some troubles. Last couple of weeks I had not been writing frequently about it so there must be a warning that this post will probably be super long and probably outdo all my other posts in it. I thought I will share though because I got some valuable pieces of advice that might help others too. Not only in getting into some of the asanas, but more importantly preventing injury and/or pain.

Ujjayi revisited
....Or shall I say discovered?
Because it turned out that what I do is something, I must say pretty weird. I used to breath through my nose, but I sort of did quick inhale through my nose only, and longer exhale that goes through both throat and nose. Now I'm working on breathing in through both throat and nose, and breathing out the same way. The main issue though with my breathing is to lengthen it, especially the inhale part, so that the length of exhale and inhale becomes even.  Now, that fact made my practice longer for sure. There was this time that my friend came to Mysore class and she said she will do half primary today, and I did the entire thing. How is that that we finished pretty much at the same time, I wondered?  Here goes another mystery solved ;) I was just breathing incorrectly and WAY too fast. Now some of the postures that seemed easy before, now are really, really hard to hold for entire amount of counts. That's because my breath gets longer, so the postures I have to hold for a longer time too. I thought before that something must be wrong if I can hold them and I don't even feel much... Another mystery demystified ;)
Like Navasana, Utplutihih. THE HEADSTAND I was like ok, 15 up, 10 half way, up and down, no problem.  And now I'm like, OMG that is haaaarrrddddd. After headstand I'm like,  I'm completely wiped out. So much effort, but at least I feel like something is happening.  Some strength is building. If feels good.

Uddiyana Bandha
Remembering and being reminded about Uddiyana Bandha helped me in most of postures. Some of them were easier to lean forward, like in all the Janu Sirsasana's, keep balance, like in Utthita Hasta Padangusthasana, or be supported and stop jamming your neck in Setu Bandhasana. The biggest revelation though was my problem with getting into Ubhaya Padangusthasa. Once I remembered Uddiyana Bandha, the problem "magically" disappeared.  ;)
Another moment when Uddiyana Bandha is useful proved to be backbends. But let me keep it forlater as I'm planning a long paragraph on it. Here goes...

Backbends :)
I thought I will just put up all the listings I made about advices on both getting up and dropping back and to Urdhva Dhanurasana. First things first though. The first problem was actually with back drops (when you stand and have your arms crossed and teacher helps you to deepen your backbends). Well, I did not understand before that it is not about simply leaning back! Instead, you need to engage Uddiyana Bandha, stand on your own legs, and go as much down as you can, but not more that you can support.  By doing that I really felt like there is some work going on.
Once you reach down, and you walk with your hands, here are some pointers I got:
- keep breathing slowly
-  if you stop breathing the moment you get up, the world will disappear;) I mean you will have your own personal blackout. Checked empirically today, if you get up with breath that will not happen.
Now tips on my beloved getting up ;)
- you can start with rocking. Exhale on your hands, inhale on your legs. The important thing is though, to not speed up the breath or the movement, because it will go out of sync, and if it does you won't get up.
- getting up should not come from the contortion of the spine. Instead the movement should be initiated from hips going forward direction and strong legs.
(I will stop here for moment - this is a back pain prevention that I checked for myself. Before I had some pain in lower back. Last week and this week I have experienced no pain at all.)
- the head should go last
- Uddiyana Bandha and Mula Bandha engaged
- heels inside and don't turn them out too much. (Years of ballet don't help here ;)
That's quite a listing!
:)
May I add something from myself... Don't get frustrated too quickly. Just be patient with yourself. I used to get really irritated when I can't do something right away. It's sort of pressure in my head telling me that if I don't do it NOW, the world will most certainly collapse.  It really helps to remember that yoga is a lifelong practice, there is always another day when you can try again. Besides it is not a competition for anything, which is definitely  hard to re-learn for a mind of a dancer and it's world of auditions and other stuff like that.

Marichyasana B problem & solution
So recently I've got some troubles in Marichyasana B, due to my hyper mobility in ankles, or that's at least what I've been told I have (years ago when I was in physical therapy  for some minor injury, the therapist told me that if he would twist the ankle of a " normal person" like that, he would most certainly break it ;). Thought some other abnormal ankle owners might have the same issue.
So the problem is that when I put my leg in half lotus and then put my other foot on the ground, my feet unnaturally twist, creating pressure on my ankle joint. Today I learned about possible solution to this problem. When you do half lotus, the feet should not rest completely loose, because if it does, it will twist. Instead, when you do half lotus, flex you foot just a little, so that the heel points towards the hip crease. That might make a position a little harder to bind and lean forward, but at least is pain free.

Hello Pasasana
On Monday I've been given a first posture of the second series, Pasasana, which is definitely harder then it looks. It's a combination of balance, twist, and pretty difficult bind. In general, really challenging. Also the transition from the posture is hard. Have nothing else to say for now, other than it's been only couple of days that I've been doing it. It really does not look so hard in the picture ;) as with everything ! If all was so easy then where is all the fun and what's the point :) So I'm enjoying the challenge :)

That it for now, I think. Long enough. I congratulate anybody who made it till the end of this post. Hurray, good job :)
Keep practicing :)
Joanna

Me want but me can't!

Hi guys!
What's up?
Me want but me can't thats what's up.
My extreme kind if personality showing itself at its " brightest".
Do you know what I mean... Or wait....
Do you have any hobbies, activities, that you like to do? I'm sort of kind of person (what a nice compilation of words ;) that either does something wholeheartedly, or doesn't do it at all. This sort of attitude can have its positive aspects as well as it's downfalls.
Let's look at the positive for a second. If I feel passionately about something, whatever it is, at that case yoga, I'm all in. I mean AAAALLLLL in. No matter what I was doing before. No matter how late would I get up before. Doesn't matter. Now I wake up 10 minutes before the alarm clock rings and, believe me, it rings 5:50 am, every single day, except of weekends, when it rings a little later. I feel enthusiastic about every single time I get to practice, and I like to embrace whatever it brings.
Sometimes this embracing isn't all too comfy.
Like now.
I tried to work on my pushy attitude, and when I say pushy, I mean pushy to myself. That attitude provided me with some extra curricular yoga (or rather non- yoga, I shall say) activities like beating yourself up for not doing a posture well today (ididityesteraywhydoidontdoittodayaaaaaaaaaaa) for not being able to grasp something quicker then my body would like... Etc etc. I must say it this moments, i felt like true yoga happened. (I read this expression somewhere on one of the yoga forums and it just fits so well here). Just if i would know whats true yoga. Because last couple of days, i proved to myself that I know very little, that I'm just at the beginning of all the things that yoga is yet going to unfold.
Why do you I think true yoga happens there? Because in the moments when I can't do something, or feel frustrated over a posture, some sort of transformation happens. What would happen if everyone could do every single posture right away? I think it would be a shame. I think it would not only take "all the fun " out, and by fun I mean learning process, trying process, falling process. And maybe ever first and foremost, the frustration, and beating yourself up process. Now, who can tell me, they never beat themselves up? Even if it was a subconscious second somewhere in the darkest place of our minds. Even if it was something you consciously ignored. Why do I think it is of value? Because once the challenge is presented by the mind, the mind is the one blocking entire process. Once the blockage is identified, one can start working in removing it! How cheerful?
Yes, but actually, how hard, to work on that frustration. That attitude towards yourself, that thinking, that came "out of nowhere", that you simply CAN'T do something.
For me it was all the matter if letting go. Of not tensing everything up. And some postures came exactly at the moment I was able to let go of doing it perfectly.
Well, now I believe that once you master that on your mat, you can bring it "to life".
It's easier piece of information than only a theory, because it's already processed in some ways. That's why I call it true yoga, because it causes a transformation that is not merely physical, but internal, if not spiritual.
In the midst of all that, it does help to have a good teacher, and I've been lucky enough to finally find one that's really good. It took a lot of time and juggling around yoga studios and different styles if yoga, both in US and in Poland.

So what happened today? I'm currently working though some serious frustration. Everybody who knows me is aware that when I do nothing I go bananas. I just can't bear having one on one date with my mind! That's why the period of me being ill or sick is a much dreaded time if my existence on this earth. Now, I've been deprived of yoga yesterday. In the evening I felt good already, so I decided to play it by ear and see how I feel in the morning, and then maybe go.
Now, a decision to not go to yoga because I'm sick, seems easy. But not to me, no no no. ;) I mean it's logical right. Your body tells you rest, and you rest. As the information from body is straight and easy to read out, the only thing that my mind offers in that kind of situation is never ending chatter of self-defying thoughts.
My mind wants me to do stuff at all times. It doesn't  care how do I feel any given day but it orders me to do, and do and do. Moreover, it says, that if I don't do, I'm most likely a failure. So here goes the downfall of my overenthusiastic nature.
Today was a lesson also. I got up, feeling alright. I decided on taking a medication that helped me yesterday on an empty stomach which was a BAD idea. When I went out of a house, I felt immediately sick. I could have gone back right away. But no, my mind is telling me I have to go. So I go :) I almost throw up in the bus. So I made it to the yoga studio and back in less then 50 minutes, obviously not doing a class, being sick to my stomach.
My mind already asks me if my body will feel better tomorrow. My body said it doesn't know, probably yes, but cannot promise anything.
So my mind said it will wait. Although it's second day of no yoga.
Or am I doing some yoga by accepting this?
;)

What's happening now?

Tranquillity
Equanimity
Non-worring
Less talking
More listening
Not thinking about past or future
Being in now.

Just simply being,
Smiling more often
Looking at the things the way they are
Not letting the mind produce too many judgements

Cultivating compassion towards others.
Also towards myself
Eliminating self-defeating thoughts
Or, If they come, just letting them be and pass

Being glad about how things are now
Slowing down
Being grateful for big things and the small things
More peace or just the right amount of peace
And if it doesn't come, well,  let's be present if it does
Letting go of expectations
Letting go if peconcived notions
About myself, others, and everything that's happening.

Good laugh a day...

...keeps a doctor away ;)
Today I thought I will share some if the stupidest yet MAYBE funny ideas that I wrote down during my restful moonday. I rolled all day in bed, tried to rest and I also slept around 13 hours. BTW Remember guys, these are just jokes and I do take my practice seriously. Sometimes even too seriously...soooo.... I just sometimes can't help myself ;) Especially on a day like yesterday, when I'm quite tired, or day like today, when I'm quite frustrated with myself (will I ever get up from this Urdhva Dhanurasana, huh ? ;) Maybe there are some other people in need of a laugh, I give you 14 options, maybe at least one will work for you ;)

14 signs of tired yogi

1) She feel asleep while she tried to lift up after Supta Kurmasana.
2) The class hadn't started yet and she is already doing the closing postures.
3) She wanted to untie her shoes in the elevator but decided he is to tired to bend over.
4)She feel asleep on her nose when she tired to decide herself and jump back from Bakasana for too long. Even more importantly she did not notice when exactly did the nose plant happened.
5) She was ok with practicing without mat today,  because she could not reach to the highest shelf.
6) She stayed for..... a lot of breaths in Bujapidasana. When she went up, she was the only one in the room.
7) She decided she will sleep in the dressing room today, so that she can sleep one hour more tomorrow.
8) A backpack with 2 pieces of clothing and light towel is too much to handle.
9) She ordered carrot juice and accidentally got beet root but she didn't notice.
10) She fell asleep in 6:45 bus and woke up the same time next day and didn't notice and/or mind.
11) She got herself into Supta Kurmasana, or any other position that required legs behind the head and didn't notice.
12) She did a drop back on inhale (true story!)
13) She forgot to stop Ujjayi breath and continued like that throughout the day.
14) She claimed that the extreme wavering movement of her legs in headstand is caused by equally extreme ocean tides.

BTW I have to excuse for not writing very often, I had some hectic time at work, and also so many things piled up that I had no idea what to write about first. And then I ended up too tired to even move my little finger.
Update is coming soon!
Stay inspired,
Joanna

New challenges

Welcome in February! Hope everyone is enjoying the cold and snow  :)

If we talk about challenges this week, the first challenge must be going out at 6 am into -15 degrees C snowstorm. :) It's actually quite fun, you feel so proud once you walk yourself to the bus stop, and the bus arrives, and you feel like "wow, I made it, I'm in a bus :D"

So this week, was raining new challenges on me, especially the transitions between the postures. The new teacher came in this week for Mysore practice, and I must say she is really really good, meaning, gives really good pieces of advice that are easy to digest. 

So the first thing that I was challenged (and still am :) with was exit from Bujapidasana. You have to take your legs around into, what I like to call "sorta" Bakasana, and that is challenge itself. Once you get your legs there, you have to try to jump back to Chaturanga. First day I just fell on my butt, yesterday I managed to jump but I fell on my knees. Today I feel on my feet, even a little further back, so I consider it a little progress.  ;)Its so hard ! In last post I laughted on how this impossible and now I attempt to do this. Maybe one day. ;) Maybe next life.  Life is funny. 

Another challenge was to lift up after Supta Kurmasana, straighten the legs and do something like Tittibhasana for a second. I only did that once, for a very short time but I try every day. :)


This week I've been slowly "let off the leash " with backbends, until now I do them unassisted. 3 times down and three times up. At first I was really scared to drop back by myself. But the teacher did it like really slow transition from being all assisted to being not assisted, that I'm not scared now. It's also really helps to say the steps in your head, it calms the mind, and gives better grasp of what you actually doing. I always say to myself " Inhale lift up, exhale hips forward head back, bend the knees, straighten arms" and before I know, I'm down. 
What definitely doesn't help when going down by yourself is freaking out of any sorts, and saying in your head "OMG I'm falling, OMG I'm falling" :D (I tried, believe me it doesn't work). 
Then when I get up, it's a little harder for me. You have to swing to your arms, and also believe that you will get up. Another problem that the teacher pointed out was that I go too much with my head, I should relax it more. The other thing that I'm working on, is planting the feet, cause when I get up, I sometimes walk forward. 

To top of all the challenges this week, sort of put the cheery on top of this week, :D 
another teacher asked me today to to the handstand. So I tried. I managed to catch the balance by the wall, but it is really hard to kick the leg up, you have to have very strong core and stable shoulders. It was fun to try though ;)

Maybe one of the biggest challenges would be to not beat yourself up if something doesn't work today. It's sometimes like that: you try to do something new and one day it works, and the other day it doesn't. I was surprised how quickly I was able to move on if something didn't work any given day and just go forward with the practice. My dance spirit and my perfectionism would 
usually say this " Oh you cannot do it, oh you are a failure" Lalala. Bye bye, not anymore :)
To understand that it's really hard. That you don't have to be perfect, that you don't have to do everything the same each given day. The days are never the same and so the practice will never be. That's the beauty of life really, how boring would it be if every day was all the same? 

After this week I had a really good feeling. I felt grateful and peaceful, inspired, more trusting to myself, more willing to surrender to the journey and to embrace whatever it brings. :)

I hope you guys have a good week of practice! 
Enjoy!

Joanna

Winter news

Hello everyone,

Last week I couldn't go to the studio very often. I was very happy to be at the studio yesterday and be able to do practice with a group and teacher. It's different when you practice at home and it's different when you have this group energy available and obviously different when you have a teacher. Although home practice surely has a lot of value, I like to go to the studio so much. It's a place I like to be. I had one place like that before, which was my school, Merce Cunningham Studio. It was a place to be. But, I'm not in New York anymore, and even if I was, there is no Merce Cunningham studio anymore.
First I would like to share with you a video that Kino MacGregor posted on her YouTube channel. It's a Q & A with students, it's an hour long and it's super interesting and thought provoking.
See for yourself here.
Kino MacGregor talk

First encounter with handstand (or standing on your hands :)
Yesterday I had some adventures during practice. First, after Virabadrasana B, I wanted to go down , step back and just lower to Chaturanga. But the teacher said I should try to hop, I just didn't know how :) it turned out i should go to sort of not full handstand, and then drop flat to Chaturanga. She assisted me so quickly i actually didn't have time to think, which was great, because after I started to think about my toes and stuff, but then I think maybe if you keep it flexed and ready then it will be ok. Nothing hurt and I landed in Chaturanga, and then I fell flat on my face which was funny, because I was already in Chaturanga, so why did I do that. It was kind of fun to try it, I know it will be long time before I will ever be able to do it correctly, but I don't worry about that.

Some hard stuff...
....lies not only in the asanas itself ( when speaking about the physical dimention of the practice) but also in vinyasas. Sometimes when you look at the Primary Series chart, you might think at first, that thats all, and so did I but it really isn't.
Some asanas look really scary at first, like Bujapidasana. Others look impossible and complicated like Supta Kurmasana or Garbha Pidasana. Others are really scary and hard like Supta Konasana, i still cant get my legs straight and the hands are on the ground. I tried to took one off yesterday, but i quickly put it back down. ;)
Something i was really unaware of was the difficulty and variety of vinyasas and transitions provided in the Primary Series.
Some of them I'm familiar with but still work on them every day. The jump back part is like my major struggle. I don't walk my feet anymore, but they do touch the ground at some point. Jump through if far beyond my understanding yet ;) I don't know how to even attempt it.
Another transition that I had problems with was Chakrasana. At first didnt understand how one can roll directly on the neck. That was scary! (It actually still is :) I do roll now, but my legs aren't doing the right thing. They are like always bent. I don't know, I think they should stay straight.
I also saw some more advanced people do very hard vinyasas, so out of curiosity, because I was introduced to one of this break a neck things yesterday, I sat myself and watched YouTube video of Primary Series with Guruji. So I saw: the exit of Bujapidasana, heheh, my god, they straighten the legs, and then go to Bakasana, and from there jump back... And then they do Garbha Pidasana, they roll, take the hands out and jump back FROM THE LOTUS, like, DIRECTLY. I also saw the full exit from Virabadrasana and I was like, yeah right. :) I don't want to even mention jumping into Bujapidasana. :)
Anyhow, not everything is stated on the Primary Series chart so beware ;)

Supta Kurmasana revelations
Yesterday I experienced some small successes in Supta Kurmasana. The teacher said I should try to at least cross the legs in front of my head, and I did it.
But then she took it behind my head, she let go, and they STAYED, they didn't slip down. :))) yay. That's like the first time it ever happened.
Today, Supta Kurmasana demystification continued. I came to the studio with a will to ask how can I enter, and is it possible that I enter Supta Kurmasana on my own. Meaning, can I place legs behind my head on my own? When lying down. Cause they go there, I just don't if it's possible to put them there by myself.
I actually didn't ask, but it got the answer. So the teacher said today there are two ways you can enter. Either lying down you put the legs as high as you can, so the shins are almost on the shoulder blades, and you take left with hand, put it back, and then try to wiggle in the right on top. Wiggle in is the right term, with some swaying from side to side involved. :) So I tried that way, and it actually worked. (Only for a short moment before the entire construction fell apart and exactly in moment when I finally found my hands :D )
She also said there is another way, you can sit down, and put your legs behind your head, and then go down. I can try that maybe tomorrow. I unfortunately can envision another face plant. Oh well, things happen. :)

Dropbacks revolution
Today I dropped back on my own, for the first time. With the teacher standing in front of me. Actually it wasn't scary. I just feel that I should relax my elbows more or bend it a little, since the moment of hitting the ground was a little to hard. Should be more controlled.  I dropped like that twice then one with assistance. I also tried to get up but it didn't work yet :) then we did this drop backs with arms on chest, then we dropped back again, stayed for 5,  then I think again. I don't know. I counted something close to 10 drop backs today.
Hopefully everyone is fine and enjoying their practice. Wish me luck with getting up at 6am tomorrow, and going to the bus stop in this snow and cold. :)
Joanna

Tangible peace

Hello guys!
Short and peaceful post today. ;)

I decided to write about it to see if someone else have ever experienced something like that, or just to share this quite an amazing experience (at least for me).
No, i didn't put my leg behind my head (not for next 15 years if I'm lucky, so come back then if you waiting for it) do a scorpion handstand (not in this lifetime, I would have to reincarnate first) , not even any "elementary" thingy.
Couple of days ago, i experienced something weird during the practice. (I probably overuse the world weird but I like to use it when I don't know what I'm taking about or I don't know any other better world).
I'm pretty nervous person and it's difficult for me to ease the mind chatter during practice, at least most of times.
So I was just standing waiting "in line " for teacher to do the back drops, my hands crossed over my chest. It was fully packed Saturday class, with about 2 cm in between each mat, so the wait was long but i didnt mind. White i should probably pull my focus inward I started observing other people practicing. It was actually really touching to see so many people practice at the same time, with dedication. At that moment I felt a wave of pure peace hitting me so hard that I actually felt it was physical. And the focus turned inwards naturally. I have never experience something like that before, and I almost felt like crying there. It was like a glimpse of what my life could be. It could be peace. It was like a click of some sort of calm understanding. Something became so calm, and obvious and it enter my focus and all the fear went out of focus. I was like, what was that? I was left is blank and calm and easy. It felt so real and tangible!  Overflow of calm and balanced energy.
And I wasn't even doing any asana, I was just standing there and breathing.

So one could ask, "so you were so peaceful how did the back bends go? "
I would say "Yeah, I was so peaceful that I wasn't afraid at all, so I just fell on my head. (And nothing happened). "
Just kidding, my inner comic never sleeps :)

Anyhow, coming back to serious, wanted to share this experience with you guys. A little freaky but my own :)
Enjoy your practice :)
Joanna

Inviting the-day-off in

Hello everyone,
So how can I start.
Today the post will be about the hard capability of accepting yourself as you are on any given day. I will also relate to the my problem of problematic day off. ;)
I've read some stuff from articles, and books, watched some videos - a lot of which of related to not cranking into postures, not forcing anything, listening to ones body, giving it the necessary   time so it can open, etc, etc.
 While I think it is all true, and something we should look at, at the same time I found an area of yoga that I applied some mental, rather than physical forcing. I have no idea if it's not "a yogic sin" ;) but  I do know that if I didn't use the force (especially when dealing with my extreme kind of personality), I might just as well hurt myself.

So first thing I forced in was a day off.
Once upon a time, (about a month ago) teacher asked me at the end of Mysore class if I take one day off during a week. (Man, i must have looked real tried ;). I though for a second and said, yes, I take Thusdays off. Which is true cause, on Thursday I start my teaching very early, so there is no way I could get to class even if I would come at 6:40 am. (I tried once and I failed to arrive on time to teach).
So, I went home that day, looked back at the calendar, to verify my Thursday off. Last Thrusday I was off. I smiled. The Thursday before, i didn't go to Mysore. I almost smiled here. But then I scrolled down. And I saw Primary Series Led class that I attended at 7:30 pm. And the Thrusday before. I not only went to Mysore, bending my teaching schedule, I also was at Primary Series Led class at 7:30. And I was like, Thursdays off, huh? ;)
(And I also violated the second Yama by lying to the teacher ;) and myself.
bad "yogi".just kidding. ;)
So then i was like day off, ok. I take the day off. So from that time i do not appear in studio on Thrusdays. I belive its for my own good, and stuff. Its hard transition from the dance world! I never heard anyone in ballet studio or in Cunningham studio to tell me to take a day off. I don't remember actually if I had any day off there, like on regular basis.  (Maybe that's part of a reason of coming down with some injuries?). I know it must be important to take the day off. I mean it feels right to the body. Like yesterday. On Monday I was already so sore I could not do Bujapidasana with my arms and wrists giving me some throbbing pain. Also the twisting for Marichyasana D somehow flattens my shoulder so much that then I can feel weird pain, like it was from a bone. So I was like, hey, Joanna, you get to sleep in tomorrow !
Today I went to Mysore and all the pain was gone, especially the wrist pain. (Yay for Bujapidasana today, that I actually lowered down and stayed there ! :) hi hi).
And I though, ok, now I understand the day off. ;)

Another thing that I have to force, was a force, to actually not force.
(How very clear was that ;)
It is so tempting when you fall out of posture, like I did fall out of Bujapidasana, to get up and try again. I think it's great, when you are ok and there is no pain. But when everything like seriously hurts, you just gotta let it go for a day. It is much easier to take a day off, then to deal with a pain during practice and actually not force your body into something that you cannot do today.
On Monday I also could not stay for 5 full breaths in Kukkutasana. It was also hard to accept. My arms deffinetly did not feel like trying again. For a moment I was like, how can I live now without doing full Kukkutasana today. And then I was like, are you crazy? ;) i almost started to laugh at myself. I just let it go, let flow. Let it be that way today. In that kind of moments, one can clearly see, that yoga really isn't. only about asana. It's only one limb, the most tangible at first, but only one. For me its like a mirror for everything else.
May I finish on that philosophical note  ;)
Enjoy your practice, your fall outs AND your day off !
Joanna :)

New Years, Old Years, gratitude, Uddiyana Bandha, tortoises and more ......patchwork post!! :)

Hi guys,
So, welcome in 2014!
I think it is far more than great that the New Year and the New Moon falls on the same day. That way we will miss only one day of practice :) (that calls for freeeeak ;).
Did anything special yesterday? Well, yes, I came down with cold. Than it turned out that the teacher is also sick and there is no Mysore class, only self practice. I wanted to go anyways, but I woke up with slight fever. So I though I will stay home and do the practice here, and see how far my body will manage. I actually did everything (until Urdva Mukha Paschimottanasana, my latest addition to the fun), but i only did two brigdes, cause i had this "cold muscle cramps" especially in my arms.
It was actually kind of special, I did the entire practice at home for the first time. I don't like to practice at home, there is so much that always distracts me. Luckily there is no need for that most of times - I'm lucky to be able to go to the studio every day except Thursdays, which is, therefore my day off from yoga ( sad face here ).  BUT Hadn't been particularly distracted by anything today, somehow it was easier to concentrate, at least easier than the last time i tried. The  only distraction that presented itself, was the cat throwing his mouse toy on my mat but it was rather funny. Also we almost crashed when I tried to jump back, as I didn't notice he lied down at the end of the mat. Luckily he has some reflex and "jumped back" as well ;) He was so cute when i was lying down in savasana, he came and put his face on mine, I don't know if he was checking if I was alive or what. :) Also I had no mat, since my mat is in school so I took a random rug so that I won't slip and put my towel on top of it, wasn't bad at all.
Before I'm gonna get to all this new year hongie pongie, I have to say couple of other things.
First, I have to tell you I started to discover the role of Uddiyana Bandha in various asanas. Usually I would push with legs, or arms, and then the main thing I would forgot and there is no way I could get or stay in some of the postures. Main thing, that is, keeping the core strong. Let me give you couple of examples.
Downward facing dog - it seemed to me that i only have to push with the arms. As an effect, after the class, it was hard for me to lift a bottle of water. One day I remembered, oh, drishti on the navel. That was kind of enlightment!  And I was like, o-ooo, man, that stuff there is like totally loose. Actually engaging core helped me very much not only with the arm pain, but also with flattening the lower back area and provided strenght from another source.
Utthita Hasta Padangusthasana - I mean this posture is mind struggle for me, but within this struggle, there is no better aid than remembering about your core. And the hip that should not be sticking out. But the core helped me to stop wobbling.
Paschimattanasana. It's seems like an easy asana, but it isn't. Once again... I was pulling with my arms to deepen my forward bend, but how will that help if all of my stomach is inflamed like a New Year ballon? I actuall felt it works better if you not only lift up with the core but also, pull with the core, not hands. I obviously have no idea if it's technically correct to do that but it deffinetly helped me to go deeper into the posture when the teacher is not assisting or I practice by myself.
Marichyasana, especially D. I deffinetly recommend for anybody who is attempting and has problems with this posture, to watch this video.
Marichyasana D
Only than I realized that I don't actually lift up and around, instead sit down and there is no way I could ever bind if I don't keep my guts together ( like ,literary :). Keeping Uddyana Bandha really helps to create more space for arm to bind.
Other than core strength I also find the positioning of the half lotus and the standing foot crucial. With that all I manage to get my hand a little around  the leg, and on the right side I sometimes manage to touch my fingers. Seriously, watch the video.
Also Sirsasana. Keeping the core strong helped me to not only stop swaying on sides (unfortunately I still do :). It helped me to feel safe in the position, trust my body that it has the strenght to hold itself upside down. So one can say that the physical aspect of that asana helped the mental aspect of asana. Which is kind of cool to realize. It actually works in the reversed order to. I believe that strong mind can also support strength of the body.


 When talking about Uddiyana Bandha, I was a little like, hymm, but how. I would confuse it with Uddiyana Kriya, which I found difficult to incorporate in asana practice. Nothing weird, how was I suppose to breathe, when one has to be on the exhale? Now thanks to pranayama class, and Kino, I became aware that actually Uddiyana Bandha is that lift of core that you keep through the practice and Uddiyana Kriya is a cleansing exercise. Watch that for reference, very well explained.
Difference between Uddiyana Bandha and Kriya
I know that ashtanga yoga is not only asana (i educated myself enough to know it has 8 limbs... Still can name only 4 but we have 2014 for the rest of "Sanskrit study" right, ;). But every time something happens, like I get to bind, or I lift up in something I didn't do before for the first time I can't help to be excited. And I have to share.
So 2 days ago, I experienced my first bind in the Supta Kurmasana without assistance of the teacher. I bind only 3 fingers to three fingers (yes, I counted, so what ? :D ) I got excited obviously. That helped me to bind:
Supta Kurmasana

Then yesterday I had my first "flying"  moment of Kukkutasana ( one if the postures that I thought I will never do by myself). I rolled, put the hands and im up!  It lasted about 2 seconds. And I was woo-haaaa! No teacher assistance!  (And then i fell hard on my butt :)

Yeah, anyway. So let's get back to this New Year thingy.
2013 was really exiting and weird and first and foremost, I would say, transformational. It was a lot about looking for a path. Looking for what I'm interested in. Trying to stay true to myself.
One of the things that I realized last couple of months is that doing things without passion, it's quite a bad idea. It's always good to give things some rest, and the passion will come, the way with show itself. But for it to show itself, it's not an easy task. Nothing will come up out of doing nothing. One has to actively search and remain open.

I've always been a dancer and I also loved to choreograph. It's become natural thing for me, that this is my passion. From some time I noticed myself doing just because I had to do something. If I don't do anything, my body doesn't move, my mind isn't active and I am not around people, I don't feel well. I become very depressed and I feel useless. But the thing is, that concerned me, that I have no passion about it for now, that I have no clear message, that I'm tired of competitiveness even in the field of new dance. There were many factors that I don't want to detail now, that wore me off and drained me. I had no longer heart for dance or choreography at least not now. That's why I took decision to let it rest, and the next week I came to Astanga Yoga Studio, because I simply had to move. I decided to give yoga another go. And that time, I loved it from the start, from the very first class I took.
What I'm really grateful for, the last couple of months, is that passion was awoke again, this time in field of Ashtanga Yoga. I know it sounds ridiculous to some after only 2-3 months or regular practice, but i feel i found my life practice here. It's a perfect connection of physicality and spirituality that I had been searching for, and I finally found it.
Coming back to passion, there is no way I could be passionate about yoga if I didn't found a place with people so passionate about it. It is truly contagious.
What I wish for 2014?
I wish everyone would find their passion, and found a way to share it with others.
I wish for myself that my "beginner passion" and initial excitement won't fade and that I keep up with the practice.
That's all I can wish for on this New Year day.
I hope you will have a good one.
And also, congratulations to anybody that came that far in reading this 5 km long post :)
Joanna