Long and bumpy road into self - acceptance

I'm currently jumping with my pink yoga towel into dark well of self- hatered

;)

(I really have to use some humor here :D

Tomorrow is Moonday. This information was somehow not surprising.

I think that the moon seen that I've reached my limit in battling with my mind every day and I fully admit, that I need to have a day off. I will gladly sleep in and give myself a break from thinking. I will even more gladly go back on mat the next day :)Cause the limit of rest for me is one day in a row. (I'm not sure if that expression is grammatically or conceptually correct ;)

The road to accepting yourself is very hard and bumpy. 

Gosh I'd love to love myself. 

But everyday that I step on my mat (and pink towel that should brighten my thoughts but it doesn't ;), I dig into the well without a bottom of self-hatred and self -defying thoughts. In this clip, Kino MacGregor speaks beautifully about using your practice as a mirror for yourself.

 Gosh sometimes I wish I didn't see myself there. But I somehow come every day. Because I felt shift in my thoughts, and I've seen changes for good. I believe I can heal my self image too, as it is the top problem that came into surface right now. I know that if I don't come, and if I give up, I might just never get the chance to face it. That's a very tricky thing that yoga asks you to do. You come and you do your practice, and you continue this practice even if everything inside you screams to stop and to give up. Also in the clip mentioned above, Kino talks about burning through the obstacles, and that the most obstacles are presented itself by the mind. I could not agree more, as I checked for myself.

I came to the point in my practice, that I really feel like crying every day. I just have this feeling of hating myself so much sometimes. Of wishing I was someone else, or wishing that I didn't exists at all. What's magical about that.... Whenever those feelings arise, I just continue with the practice. This is something new for me, because I'm used to quitting in the moment that I feel an emotional breakdown is coming.  I just shut myself down. What that did to me, is that it disabled me to face my fears. Right now I just feel like I'm standing face to face with them, and every day I understand myself a little more, and I come to terms with myself a little more. It's very hard to notice that shift on a daily basis, but if you you look in perspective of couple of weeks or months, you can really see it. I think it's necessary to go though that, I don't have any scientific proof, but I just feel it's right. Every day I feel like I can't stand myself any more and I really wish I was someone else. But at the end, I finish my practice, and I go home, and I feel stronger than I was the day before. Because I faced myself. As stupid as it sounds. And as simple as it can be. 

And as difficult as it can get. 

I've been running away from myself all my life. Now is time to stop.

I send healing thoughts and love to anyone who is going thought that now, or facing any of their inside black holes. 

Keep practicing :) and don't give up on yourself! 

Joanna

Practice update ! (Aka tortoise big entrance;)

Hi guys!
I thought I will post a little practice update :)

So, first of all,
During last couple of weeks I had been feeling better in terms of my back problems.
It went on and off, and about three weeks ago , it just stopped. I had a couple of muscle spasms and sometimes I felt really stiff there, but it was nothing comparing to before. Since a week or so, I don't have any pain. It's a second week now I'm doing Urdhva Dhanurasana, from the floor and I didn't have a single pain in that once (knock knock in the unpainted wood ;).
Today was the first day since two months I guess, that I had straighten my legs in Kurmasana, and then did Supta Kurmasana, slow and easy, with no legs behind a head. I sort of missed this posture ;) I was thinking yesterday, wondering really if I will catch! But I did ;) what I forgot about is the exit though. Heheh. "My favorite exit ". To my surprise, it was not so bad! Really. I didn't fall or tip over. It was not smooth, but not very bad either ;)
And the most important thing of all is that I didn't have any pain! (Knock knock knock knock... ;)
I still work my strenght. Some days i feel stronger, and the other days I feel like a bag of potatoes :D I didn't do my strength workout today, cause I felt so sick this morning I was surprised I got though all the practice. But hey, I still can do it later in a day :)
I really feel like I've been using muscles that I didn't know I have. I try to remember about keeping my centre strong, because I really don't want to be injured again. And I want to be stronger! Like Kino MacGregor ;)
On that note, I've been really trying to jump back lately. I think the problem has at least three layers, if not more... I would say first thing is strength. Then there is also fear of falling on my face (which I had been trying to alleviate by falling on purpose ;). And there is also breath - just recently I had discovered that I'm not breathing when I jump back. I hold my breath and then I try to jump back, which is not gonna happen that way ;) so yeah. It really complex movement. It does not look so complex. I learned that the things that don't look that complex usually are very complex :)
I've been also re-working my headstand with mixed luck. I mean, surely I can balance on my head when I don't keep my stomach in and I just contort my spine. Which doesn't make any sense.  What I'm trying to do is to  go with bend legs for now, and suck the belly in, have the head on the top, my arms aligned, my ribs in, my shoulder blades down. And I try breathe remembering all of those. :) I fall, and I tip over, I fall again, than again, I sometimes catch it, and then I fall ;) but I much rather fall and fall then do it incorrectly and injure myself again.
What's actually really funny, is that stuff like that makes you really appreciate what you've got. Before having pain and all that, I was stuck up on getting to get up from Urdhva Dhanurasana, then acomplishing more and more. And now I really get to appreciate the postures I can do, and welcome with open arms those that I could do wrong and now I have re-learn for my own sake. It's been quite a journey from being angry at myself to not being able to do something, to actually realizing that I'm good the way I'm and if I do my best and approach things with understanding of how to work, I will be just fine. It sort of took my attention from rushing things, and more into deepening the understanding of basic foundations.

My mind had been on my way most of times. I needed and still need to look for balance between reacting to things that my body tells me, observing it, and overreacting. There was one day that I felt a little muscle spasm and got really freaked out by it. My teacher told me, I'm fine, that nothing bad is happening. And I was like, really, nothing is happening. From that time on, I did not have any pain. Just a realization that I will be fine helped me. And I try myself to tell myself that I am ok. It's what I want to accomplish more than any posture. To be able to tell my mind that it's over reacting and it needs to stop. Work in progress :)

What also helps to realize is that I've been wanting for that injury to go away completely, like right away. You know, black and white. It either hurts me or not. It will go away completely right now, or I will play around that forever. What really helps to understand is that is a process. There will pain sometimes, and the other days it won't. I just gotta play it by ear, and just tune in and listen, without freaking out.

There also had been another mind related issue. I've been concentrating too much on myself and I felt really egoic, and self centered. Without judging myself, ive been trying to turn the things around a little. So the following thing works:
Whenever I get entangled in "me me me" circle, or I get worried about myself too much, I try to turn the things around a bit. I stop think about me, or what the others can do for me, but I just take myself up, however I feel at the moment and and I think what can I do for others. How can I brighten someone's day? What could make this place a better place? When I move one with that action, however small, I always, without fail, feel better at the end, and feel less self centered. It doesn't have to be anything big. It can be as simple as giving someone an honest compliment, giving a listening presence to someone that needs to be heard, or going out in a hot day with water for pigeons. Can be anything.
I just feel I received so much, I have a constant urge to give back.
And every day, there is always something or someone to be grateful about :)
Enjoy your practice :)
Joanna

What's it all for? (injury rock'n'roll - not a waltz anymore ;)

What's it all for? I can't do Supta Kurmasana. My life is now officially over :D
No but seriously, it all can be a pain in the ass (well sometimes, exactly ;) it just going on for "so long" and it seems like it will never be over.
Ok, but so sometimes I really get frustrated. Or have a bad day. Who doesn't ? But you know what's even more interesting? Sometimes have a really awesome day, even though I'm still technically injured. Really. My lives goes on. I breathe. Sometimes even do Ujjayi. Sometimes, I even keep Uddiyana Bandha. When I remember :D
I wanted to share some insights that the injury monster had gave me. How did I continue to live and practice? Some things started to evolve. I'm not an expert (far away from that...) but maybe someone will see that it's really not only you going though that monster cave.

Nothing is forever.
Once I began to practice, about six months ago, I was subconsciously convinced that I once I learned full primary then I will always do full primary. Once I started to do backdrops I will always do backdrops. Once I started intermediate I will till the rest of my days do pasasana. No such thing as always. That together with your life or whatever happens to you, that practice will change too. It will always be there, if you will allow it to but it will evolve. Which brings us to the....

Yoga's not only asana
Which I heard and read many many times but once you get injured, you will start to internalize.  Why? Read on.

Your value is not in your achievements
That was the first struggle I faced. I though if I won't be able to do all this backbends and all this turtles and others, I'm not worth anything. Really ugly feelings came up. I was angry at myself frustrated at my lack of capacity to be welland also jealous of others who could do those things. That's where I started to use my dialy practice as a mirror. I stopped reacting to feelings as they came up. I saw my frustrations on mat as a pattern that I repeat in my life. Because I really don't think of myself very well. I often wish I was someone else.
It made me embrace my humanity. Slowly it came to my head that it's enough if I do my best everyday without hurting myself. In fact... I don't want to hurt myself. It was and still is a very slow process. It doesn't happen overnight...
Which bring us to:

Giving time.
Man I love to rush things. I love speed and I love to go fast (have you ever seen me on my bike? ;) If i didnt have a teacher I would probably go way too fast. Recovery really needs time. All the changes in mind need even more time. Sometimes i feel so entangled in my mind that I sort of think if I will never change. Sometimes changes are so subtle it is really hard to notice them on a day to day  basis. But in two weeks or a month you will see. You will look back and think, wow, I was a different person.
I sometimes think that before my injury will go completely away, there is a change in mind, in attitude that's needs to be done first. I don't know why I think that, but I'm pretty sure, that before I can move on, my mind needs to be ready.

Less chatter, more listening
There's been some little awkward shift in my sensitivity lately, when it comes to senses. I've been told many times that I should start listening to my body more, and I really tried (with mixed luck ;) to tune in. It's been fairly ok now.
So here is a more literal listening story : I lost my iPod nano. And then I found it yesterday! Guess what, I just could not believe the volume I had been listening to. I had to lower it down significantly and also with my iPad. More sensitive sense of hearing? Maybe.
There is also something even more awkward. I had some really weird and actually kind of creepy psychic stuff going on. I would think something, and it would stay in my subconscious and the next day it would happen. And of course I would be just super creeped out :D

More peace and carry on ;)
I think that the less impatience I have for the injury to go away, the more peace I get.
This situation had caused a stir in myself and I feel like it flipped everything I've been used to upside down.  It taught me to stop panicking and just carring on with whatever I can do. I have a tendency to quit when something seems too hard or way beyond my limitation. I just want to shut the door and stay home and cry. Injury has taught me (or is still trying to teach me ;)  that whatever situation comes up, I can take a deep breath, step back and treat it with peace, and just carry on. Then again, this way of thinking did not come overnight. I did have a couple of episodes of complete panic. But it starts to instill itself more and I'm really glad, cause I always wanted more peace, but I just never had any tool to derive it. It also translates to a daily life. I've been stuck in couple of unpleasant situations and managed to step back and heal the entire situation with love rather then just acting out on emotions. It really surprised me , but then I know where I learned that (namaste).

Hey last but not least.... There's been a moment when I almost quit. The mind was so entangled, I was so tired of all that. I just didn't know what to do anymore.
I do still sometimes get confused. I have bad days and and I sometimes panic.
But at the end I think it's all worth it. It really takes you on a journey I never thought I will embark and teaches you things that you think you are never or too old to learn or re-learn.
This experience has taught me that the practice itself is not to be taken for granted. Just as a gift of life. It really puts everything into perspective. I understood how sacred it was the moment I was about to loose it. I knew I could stand firmly even if the ground spins. And I actually relax into that spinning and don't fall over or hurt myself.
I understood that the power comes from me. And I am capable of taking care of myself. I got a tiny little taste of strength that lies within me. And for which I had been so desperately searching outside.
It's just a beginning of a journey, but I know I can dig deeper into that strength. Slowly, one day at the time. I also feel gratitude  that I'm blessed with people that can point me into that direction.
I just can't say much more, other than... Keep practicing. (And all is coming)
Namaste :)
Joanna