No but seriously, it all can be a pain in the ass (well sometimes, exactly ;) it just going on for "so long" and it seems like it will never be over.
Ok, but so sometimes I really get frustrated. Or have a bad day. Who doesn't ? But you know what's even more interesting? Sometimes have a really awesome day, even though I'm still technically injured. Really. My lives goes on. I breathe. Sometimes even do Ujjayi. Sometimes, I even keep Uddiyana Bandha. When I remember :D
I wanted to share some insights that the injury monster had gave me. How did I continue to live and practice? Some things started to evolve. I'm not an expert (far away from that...) but maybe someone will see that it's really not only you going though that monster cave.
Nothing is forever.
Once I began to practice, about six months ago, I was subconsciously convinced that I once I learned full primary then I will always do full primary. Once I started to do backdrops I will always do backdrops. Once I started intermediate I will till the rest of my days do pasasana. No such thing as always. That together with your life or whatever happens to you, that practice will change too. It will always be there, if you will allow it to but it will evolve. Which brings us to the....
Yoga's not only asana
Which I heard and read many many times but once you get injured, you will start to internalize. Why? Read on.
Your value is not in your achievements
That was the first struggle I faced. I though if I won't be able to do all this backbends and all this turtles and others, I'm not worth anything. Really ugly feelings came up. I was angry at myself frustrated at my lack of capacity to be welland also jealous of others who could do those things. That's where I started to use my dialy practice as a mirror. I stopped reacting to feelings as they came up. I saw my frustrations on mat as a pattern that I repeat in my life. Because I really don't think of myself very well. I often wish I was someone else.
It made me embrace my humanity. Slowly it came to my head that it's enough if I do my best everyday without hurting myself. In fact... I don't want to hurt myself. It was and still is a very slow process. It doesn't happen overnight...
Which bring us to:
Giving time.
Man I love to rush things. I love speed and I love to go fast (have you ever seen me on my bike? ;) If i didnt have a teacher I would probably go way too fast. Recovery really needs time. All the changes in mind need even more time. Sometimes i feel so entangled in my mind that I sort of think if I will never change. Sometimes changes are so subtle it is really hard to notice them on a day to day basis. But in two weeks or a month you will see. You will look back and think, wow, I was a different person.
I sometimes think that before my injury will go completely away, there is a change in mind, in attitude that's needs to be done first. I don't know why I think that, but I'm pretty sure, that before I can move on, my mind needs to be ready.
Less chatter, more listening
There's been some little awkward shift in my sensitivity lately, when it comes to senses. I've been told many times that I should start listening to my body more, and I really tried (with mixed luck ;) to tune in. It's been fairly ok now.
So here is a more literal listening story : I lost my iPod nano. And then I found it yesterday! Guess what, I just could not believe the volume I had been listening to. I had to lower it down significantly and also with my iPad. More sensitive sense of hearing? Maybe.
There is also something even more awkward. I had some really weird and actually kind of creepy psychic stuff going on. I would think something, and it would stay in my subconscious and the next day it would happen. And of course I would be just super creeped out :D
More peace and carry on ;)
I think that the less impatience I have for the injury to go away, the more peace I get.
This situation had caused a stir in myself and I feel like it flipped everything I've been used to upside down. It taught me to stop panicking and just carring on with whatever I can do. I have a tendency to quit when something seems too hard or way beyond my limitation. I just want to shut the door and stay home and cry. Injury has taught me (or is still trying to teach me ;) that whatever situation comes up, I can take a deep breath, step back and treat it with peace, and just carry on. Then again, this way of thinking did not come overnight. I did have a couple of episodes of complete panic. But it starts to instill itself more and I'm really glad, cause I always wanted more peace, but I just never had any tool to derive it. It also translates to a daily life. I've been stuck in couple of unpleasant situations and managed to step back and heal the entire situation with love rather then just acting out on emotions. It really surprised me , but then I know where I learned that (namaste).
Hey last but not least.... There's been a moment when I almost quit. The mind was so entangled, I was so tired of all that. I just didn't know what to do anymore.
I do still sometimes get confused. I have bad days and and I sometimes panic.
But at the end I think it's all worth it. It really takes you on a journey I never thought I will embark and teaches you things that you think you are never or too old to learn or re-learn.
This experience has taught me that the practice itself is not to be taken for granted. Just as a gift of life. It really puts everything into perspective. I understood how sacred it was the moment I was about to loose it. I knew I could stand firmly even if the ground spins. And I actually relax into that spinning and don't fall over or hurt myself.
I understood that the power comes from me. And I am capable of taking care of myself. I got a tiny little taste of strength that lies within me. And for which I had been so desperately searching outside.
It's just a beginning of a journey, but I know I can dig deeper into that strength. Slowly, one day at the time. I also feel gratitude that I'm blessed with people that can point me into that direction.
I just can't say much more, other than... Keep practicing. (And all is coming)
Namaste :)
Joanna
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