Hi guys!
I thought I will post a little practice update :)
So, first of all,
During last couple of weeks I had been feeling better in terms of my back problems.
It went on and off, and about three weeks ago , it just stopped. I had a couple of muscle spasms and sometimes I felt really stiff there, but it was nothing comparing to before. Since a week or so, I don't have any pain. It's a second week now I'm doing Urdhva Dhanurasana, from the floor and I didn't have a single pain in that once (knock knock in the unpainted wood ;).
Today was the first day since two months I guess, that I had straighten my legs in Kurmasana, and then did Supta Kurmasana, slow and easy, with no legs behind a head. I sort of missed this posture ;) I was thinking yesterday, wondering really if I will catch! But I did ;) what I forgot about is the exit though. Heheh. "My favorite exit ". To my surprise, it was not so bad! Really. I didn't fall or tip over. It was not smooth, but not very bad either ;)
And the most important thing of all is that I didn't have any pain! (Knock knock knock knock... ;)
I still work my strenght. Some days i feel stronger, and the other days I feel like a bag of potatoes :D I didn't do my strength workout today, cause I felt so sick this morning I was surprised I got though all the practice. But hey, I still can do it later in a day :)
I really feel like I've been using muscles that I didn't know I have. I try to remember about keeping my centre strong, because I really don't want to be injured again. And I want to be stronger! Like Kino MacGregor ;)
On that note, I've been really trying to jump back lately. I think the problem has at least three layers, if not more... I would say first thing is strength. Then there is also fear of falling on my face (which I had been trying to alleviate by falling on purpose ;). And there is also breath - just recently I had discovered that I'm not breathing when I jump back. I hold my breath and then I try to jump back, which is not gonna happen that way ;) so yeah. It really complex movement. It does not look so complex. I learned that the things that don't look that complex usually are very complex :)
I've been also re-working my headstand with mixed luck. I mean, surely I can balance on my head when I don't keep my stomach in and I just contort my spine. Which doesn't make any sense. What I'm trying to do is to go with bend legs for now, and suck the belly in, have the head on the top, my arms aligned, my ribs in, my shoulder blades down. And I try breathe remembering all of those. :) I fall, and I tip over, I fall again, than again, I sometimes catch it, and then I fall ;) but I much rather fall and fall then do it incorrectly and injure myself again.
What's actually really funny, is that stuff like that makes you really appreciate what you've got. Before having pain and all that, I was stuck up on getting to get up from Urdhva Dhanurasana, then acomplishing more and more. And now I really get to appreciate the postures I can do, and welcome with open arms those that I could do wrong and now I have re-learn for my own sake. It's been quite a journey from being angry at myself to not being able to do something, to actually realizing that I'm good the way I'm and if I do my best and approach things with understanding of how to work, I will be just fine. It sort of took my attention from rushing things, and more into deepening the understanding of basic foundations.
My mind had been on my way most of times. I needed and still need to look for balance between reacting to things that my body tells me, observing it, and overreacting. There was one day that I felt a little muscle spasm and got really freaked out by it. My teacher told me, I'm fine, that nothing bad is happening. And I was like, really, nothing is happening. From that time on, I did not have any pain. Just a realization that I will be fine helped me. And I try myself to tell myself that I am ok. It's what I want to accomplish more than any posture. To be able to tell my mind that it's over reacting and it needs to stop. Work in progress :)
What also helps to realize is that I've been wanting for that injury to go away completely, like right away. You know, black and white. It either hurts me or not. It will go away completely right now, or I will play around that forever. What really helps to understand is that is a process. There will pain sometimes, and the other days it won't. I just gotta play it by ear, and just tune in and listen, without freaking out.
There also had been another mind related issue. I've been concentrating too much on myself and I felt really egoic, and self centered. Without judging myself, ive been trying to turn the things around a little. So the following thing works:
Whenever I get entangled in "me me me" circle, or I get worried about myself too much, I try to turn the things around a bit. I stop think about me, or what the others can do for me, but I just take myself up, however I feel at the moment and and I think what can I do for others. How can I brighten someone's day? What could make this place a better place? When I move one with that action, however small, I always, without fail, feel better at the end, and feel less self centered. It doesn't have to be anything big. It can be as simple as giving someone an honest compliment, giving a listening presence to someone that needs to be heard, or going out in a hot day with water for pigeons. Can be anything.
I just feel I received so much, I have a constant urge to give back.
And every day, there is always something or someone to be grateful about :)
Enjoy your practice :)
Joanna
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