Heart opening

Hard to describe
Outburst of love for every being

Parallel to planted seed of acceptance
For myself

It's growing slowly
And it sometimes hurts.

I want to hug
Each and every person and being.

Today I fished for a small bug
stuck in my tea
He is ok.

Sometimes amount of love hits me hard
So hard that I'm not sure
If to cry and laugh

So I just continue.
Like love was the only thing I knew.

I want to embrace myself
And let myself blossom.

That's why

I want to embrace every being
And let it blossom

Not expecting anything in return.
Just loving the fact of being.
That' occurred.

Finding the nature of true happiness in Ashtanga practice

Hi everyone,
After couple of days of being in a dark place, today realizations come to me one after another. I would like to share it with you.

I spent my morning today as usuall, at the studio, first at Mysore room, then at pranayama class.
From some time, during practice, I've been battling with my mind over basically everything. The thoughts that arise during practice are usually negative self- defying thoughts, and I really did not know how to tackle them.
Recently I've been watching and reading extensive amount of things,  trying to find some solution to that, or at least some inspiration. But the true solution came to me as usual, by itself. Couple of days I had a little emotional breakdown, and I was completely, entirely, put down by all my negative views on myself. For two days (because of my day off and a moonday) I had not been practicing, but I've been trying to look deeply withing myself and see what is the root of my problem. Here is what I've come up with , and what I discovered today, when practicing.
Let's take a look at positive and negative thoughts. Let's make them equal. Let's name them pleasure and pain. For me it doesn't matter right now if there is a pleasure or pain involved. What I think I have to do, is to equally let them go. Just right away, without thinking. My strategy is as follows: the negative thought arises, I let it go. No thinking please. Move on. The same with positive. I don't know if it's harder to let go of a pleasant thought or sensation or a negative one.
They're both addictive.
They're both depending on one another.n
They're both deepening one another.
What I think one can do is to create and endure distance from both pleasure and pain.
You are beyond that. There is a subtle existence beyond that.
And beyond that is your peace.
Pain and pleasure does not constitute you.
So,
Where am I, if I'm not pain and pleasure?
Where am I, if I'm not my thoughts or emotions?
Where am I if I'm not my negative image of myself and my judgements or expectation?
Where am I if I'm not other peoples judgement or expectation.

I AM NOW.
Thats the answer to all that.
Where else could you be?
;)

Sensations make us human too at some level.
They give some taste to our lives.
But really we cannot let them rule us over.
Otherwise, they will make us go crazy and control us.
There is a space beyond them.
In this space, the peace exists,
And you can get closer to who you really are.
Dig deeper to the core of yourself.

Another thought is,
If there weren't extremes, there would not be a middle.
Similary
If there was no suffering or pleasure, the would not be peace.
But!
If there was no discomfort ,
There would be no need for change.

Thats why I'm glad that I cried my eyeballs out on Wednesday. It was necessary, so that I discover it. That I can go and not be my negative thoughts. I can totally go beyond them.

What's important though, I think one needs to discover it on your own. It's similar with a child. Tell him where to go but not say exactly where the treasure is and he will discover it buried under one of the trees.

Today, having so many realizations, I went to Pranayama class.
Towards the end, I had this amazing visualization, like a big white ball of energy would open and explode straight to my face. I felt so light, that for a moment I though I will surely levitate ;)
No but seriously, that was amazing.

For my entire life, I was convinced, partly subconsciously,  that the source of happiness is pleasure.
While now I know that the real happiness comes from inner peace, and maintaing the balance between the extrems.
It doesn't mean that now you have to avoid pleasure to not touch your inner peace too much ;)  It's impossible to live with no pain also. It means that you have to attain certain eqanimity, so that the happiness of yours does not rely on the outside force such as pain and pleasure. The happiness is inside you, no matter what.

Personally, I feel, that the access to peace is not given, or should be not taken for granted. It is something that requires constant work and raising awarness within yourself. If you feel peaceful today, it doesn't autiomatically mean that you will tomorrow. You have to work for it every step of a way. For me it is like lighting a torchlight in a dark corridor. During my practice I try to bring the light to my negative thoughts by exposing  them to the light of conciousness, and letting them go. This is work.

But it gives the happiness that is really hard to imagine!

An eviction party for negative thoughts ... And everygreen question of balance.

Panic, panic.
My best know reaction.
For virtually everything.

I'll tell you a short (and true) story.
How one day I went from complete panic to laughter
In less than 50 minutes.

It was just one day,
I came really aggravated.
I'm not sure why.
I just sometimes wake up like this.
I was just really really worried.
Even the bike ride didn't cheer me up.
In my head the thoughts where having a ball.
(Maybe even a prom.... ;)
I just felt so tired.
I thought my back pain will never go away.
The thoughts in my head were telling me
That I can't keep on going anymore.
That sound familiar.
It's not the first time I've heard this voice.

But I kept on going.



I really felt nauseas and dizzy.
But I locked my bike and proceeded to the studio.
I knew that practice is ready to welcome me
No matter how I feel.


So,
I unrolled my mat.
That's how the magic happened.

I felt almost instant shift in my mood.
By the 3rd Sun Salutation B,
It was better.
By the Trikonasana, it was ok.
When I reached the sited sequence,
My brains and my mind, felt completely free.

Sometimes it's all a matter of decision.
The negative feelings arise,
I see them.
But I choose to not feed them.
To not dwell and entertain them.
So they don't get comfortable here.

Then I can make a choice to.
I can chose to let them go.
It actually helps to say to yourself, couple of times.
I let it go.

I know that the feelings of worry do not make anything better.
They do not solve the problems itself.
I just have problem with letting them go.
OR rather to make a decision to let them go.

I think this is because I'm used to them.
Like they were the only thing I ever knew.
Because they are really.
But now it's starting to change.
Very slowly, but there is something going on.
(An eviction party for negative thoughts !!!!!)
(Maybe I have to organize one :D)
(That'd be awesome ;)

Like today.
I was unwell at the morning and I dressed and undressed couple of times before I decided I REALLY seriously can't go today, I'm too just unwell.
There was also another decision to make.
My first instinct was: oh no. I want to go! And I'm gonna die from sadness if I don't go. But then I decided to not give in to it. And let it go. There is always tomorrow.

From the moment I was born, I was always swinging through extremes. Till now.
I'm either super happy or completely somewhere in despair.
That's another question - question of balance.
Then again practice can help me look for that.
Like, you know, I was working on that Uddiyana Bandha thing.
The effect was there but sometimes I just went overboard with tensing up everything so much that the breathing was out of question.
The problem is that you can't really balance for example a headstand when your whole body is tensed like a piece of wood. So I need to look for balance. Everywhere. Not only on the mat. That's quite a challenge for my extreme personality I must say ;)

I think it also takes a lot of acceptance, love towards yourself. Like unconditional acceptance. To just be able to make that change. I'm still looking for it.

It's all also really connected.
Like everything.
Together with accepting your failures.
Letting yourself enjoy,
Knowing that you don't have to make yourself suffer.
(At least try to not do it all the time ;)

Then again I'm not sure how it all happens
But it happens.
And it feels pretty wonderful.
Together with being sheer grateful for what you've got
And actually not wanting anything more
Enjoying the moment you've got now.

Finding something beautiful in each moment
Every person
And yourself.
Learning something from each moment,
Every person.

Loving unconditionally
Each moment,
Every person
(Especially person that can be unpleasant to you!)
And even yourself !

I do realise it all could sound like a bunch of clichės 
But I am discovering a new land for myself so....;)

Long and bumpy road into self - acceptance

I'm currently jumping with my pink yoga towel into dark well of self- hatered

;)

(I really have to use some humor here :D

Tomorrow is Moonday. This information was somehow not surprising.

I think that the moon seen that I've reached my limit in battling with my mind every day and I fully admit, that I need to have a day off. I will gladly sleep in and give myself a break from thinking. I will even more gladly go back on mat the next day :)Cause the limit of rest for me is one day in a row. (I'm not sure if that expression is grammatically or conceptually correct ;)

The road to accepting yourself is very hard and bumpy. 

Gosh I'd love to love myself. 

But everyday that I step on my mat (and pink towel that should brighten my thoughts but it doesn't ;), I dig into the well without a bottom of self-hatred and self -defying thoughts. In this clip, Kino MacGregor speaks beautifully about using your practice as a mirror for yourself.

 Gosh sometimes I wish I didn't see myself there. But I somehow come every day. Because I felt shift in my thoughts, and I've seen changes for good. I believe I can heal my self image too, as it is the top problem that came into surface right now. I know that if I don't come, and if I give up, I might just never get the chance to face it. That's a very tricky thing that yoga asks you to do. You come and you do your practice, and you continue this practice even if everything inside you screams to stop and to give up. Also in the clip mentioned above, Kino talks about burning through the obstacles, and that the most obstacles are presented itself by the mind. I could not agree more, as I checked for myself.

I came to the point in my practice, that I really feel like crying every day. I just have this feeling of hating myself so much sometimes. Of wishing I was someone else, or wishing that I didn't exists at all. What's magical about that.... Whenever those feelings arise, I just continue with the practice. This is something new for me, because I'm used to quitting in the moment that I feel an emotional breakdown is coming.  I just shut myself down. What that did to me, is that it disabled me to face my fears. Right now I just feel like I'm standing face to face with them, and every day I understand myself a little more, and I come to terms with myself a little more. It's very hard to notice that shift on a daily basis, but if you you look in perspective of couple of weeks or months, you can really see it. I think it's necessary to go though that, I don't have any scientific proof, but I just feel it's right. Every day I feel like I can't stand myself any more and I really wish I was someone else. But at the end, I finish my practice, and I go home, and I feel stronger than I was the day before. Because I faced myself. As stupid as it sounds. And as simple as it can be. 

And as difficult as it can get. 

I've been running away from myself all my life. Now is time to stop.

I send healing thoughts and love to anyone who is going thought that now, or facing any of their inside black holes. 

Keep practicing :) and don't give up on yourself! 

Joanna

Practice update ! (Aka tortoise big entrance;)

Hi guys!
I thought I will post a little practice update :)

So, first of all,
During last couple of weeks I had been feeling better in terms of my back problems.
It went on and off, and about three weeks ago , it just stopped. I had a couple of muscle spasms and sometimes I felt really stiff there, but it was nothing comparing to before. Since a week or so, I don't have any pain. It's a second week now I'm doing Urdhva Dhanurasana, from the floor and I didn't have a single pain in that once (knock knock in the unpainted wood ;).
Today was the first day since two months I guess, that I had straighten my legs in Kurmasana, and then did Supta Kurmasana, slow and easy, with no legs behind a head. I sort of missed this posture ;) I was thinking yesterday, wondering really if I will catch! But I did ;) what I forgot about is the exit though. Heheh. "My favorite exit ". To my surprise, it was not so bad! Really. I didn't fall or tip over. It was not smooth, but not very bad either ;)
And the most important thing of all is that I didn't have any pain! (Knock knock knock knock... ;)
I still work my strenght. Some days i feel stronger, and the other days I feel like a bag of potatoes :D I didn't do my strength workout today, cause I felt so sick this morning I was surprised I got though all the practice. But hey, I still can do it later in a day :)
I really feel like I've been using muscles that I didn't know I have. I try to remember about keeping my centre strong, because I really don't want to be injured again. And I want to be stronger! Like Kino MacGregor ;)
On that note, I've been really trying to jump back lately. I think the problem has at least three layers, if not more... I would say first thing is strength. Then there is also fear of falling on my face (which I had been trying to alleviate by falling on purpose ;). And there is also breath - just recently I had discovered that I'm not breathing when I jump back. I hold my breath and then I try to jump back, which is not gonna happen that way ;) so yeah. It really complex movement. It does not look so complex. I learned that the things that don't look that complex usually are very complex :)
I've been also re-working my headstand with mixed luck. I mean, surely I can balance on my head when I don't keep my stomach in and I just contort my spine. Which doesn't make any sense.  What I'm trying to do is to  go with bend legs for now, and suck the belly in, have the head on the top, my arms aligned, my ribs in, my shoulder blades down. And I try breathe remembering all of those. :) I fall, and I tip over, I fall again, than again, I sometimes catch it, and then I fall ;) but I much rather fall and fall then do it incorrectly and injure myself again.
What's actually really funny, is that stuff like that makes you really appreciate what you've got. Before having pain and all that, I was stuck up on getting to get up from Urdhva Dhanurasana, then acomplishing more and more. And now I really get to appreciate the postures I can do, and welcome with open arms those that I could do wrong and now I have re-learn for my own sake. It's been quite a journey from being angry at myself to not being able to do something, to actually realizing that I'm good the way I'm and if I do my best and approach things with understanding of how to work, I will be just fine. It sort of took my attention from rushing things, and more into deepening the understanding of basic foundations.

My mind had been on my way most of times. I needed and still need to look for balance between reacting to things that my body tells me, observing it, and overreacting. There was one day that I felt a little muscle spasm and got really freaked out by it. My teacher told me, I'm fine, that nothing bad is happening. And I was like, really, nothing is happening. From that time on, I did not have any pain. Just a realization that I will be fine helped me. And I try myself to tell myself that I am ok. It's what I want to accomplish more than any posture. To be able to tell my mind that it's over reacting and it needs to stop. Work in progress :)

What also helps to realize is that I've been wanting for that injury to go away completely, like right away. You know, black and white. It either hurts me or not. It will go away completely right now, or I will play around that forever. What really helps to understand is that is a process. There will pain sometimes, and the other days it won't. I just gotta play it by ear, and just tune in and listen, without freaking out.

There also had been another mind related issue. I've been concentrating too much on myself and I felt really egoic, and self centered. Without judging myself, ive been trying to turn the things around a little. So the following thing works:
Whenever I get entangled in "me me me" circle, or I get worried about myself too much, I try to turn the things around a bit. I stop think about me, or what the others can do for me, but I just take myself up, however I feel at the moment and and I think what can I do for others. How can I brighten someone's day? What could make this place a better place? When I move one with that action, however small, I always, without fail, feel better at the end, and feel less self centered. It doesn't have to be anything big. It can be as simple as giving someone an honest compliment, giving a listening presence to someone that needs to be heard, or going out in a hot day with water for pigeons. Can be anything.
I just feel I received so much, I have a constant urge to give back.
And every day, there is always something or someone to be grateful about :)
Enjoy your practice :)
Joanna

What's it all for? (injury rock'n'roll - not a waltz anymore ;)

What's it all for? I can't do Supta Kurmasana. My life is now officially over :D
No but seriously, it all can be a pain in the ass (well sometimes, exactly ;) it just going on for "so long" and it seems like it will never be over.
Ok, but so sometimes I really get frustrated. Or have a bad day. Who doesn't ? But you know what's even more interesting? Sometimes have a really awesome day, even though I'm still technically injured. Really. My lives goes on. I breathe. Sometimes even do Ujjayi. Sometimes, I even keep Uddiyana Bandha. When I remember :D
I wanted to share some insights that the injury monster had gave me. How did I continue to live and practice? Some things started to evolve. I'm not an expert (far away from that...) but maybe someone will see that it's really not only you going though that monster cave.

Nothing is forever.
Once I began to practice, about six months ago, I was subconsciously convinced that I once I learned full primary then I will always do full primary. Once I started to do backdrops I will always do backdrops. Once I started intermediate I will till the rest of my days do pasasana. No such thing as always. That together with your life or whatever happens to you, that practice will change too. It will always be there, if you will allow it to but it will evolve. Which brings us to the....

Yoga's not only asana
Which I heard and read many many times but once you get injured, you will start to internalize.  Why? Read on.

Your value is not in your achievements
That was the first struggle I faced. I though if I won't be able to do all this backbends and all this turtles and others, I'm not worth anything. Really ugly feelings came up. I was angry at myself frustrated at my lack of capacity to be welland also jealous of others who could do those things. That's where I started to use my dialy practice as a mirror. I stopped reacting to feelings as they came up. I saw my frustrations on mat as a pattern that I repeat in my life. Because I really don't think of myself very well. I often wish I was someone else.
It made me embrace my humanity. Slowly it came to my head that it's enough if I do my best everyday without hurting myself. In fact... I don't want to hurt myself. It was and still is a very slow process. It doesn't happen overnight...
Which bring us to:

Giving time.
Man I love to rush things. I love speed and I love to go fast (have you ever seen me on my bike? ;) If i didnt have a teacher I would probably go way too fast. Recovery really needs time. All the changes in mind need even more time. Sometimes i feel so entangled in my mind that I sort of think if I will never change. Sometimes changes are so subtle it is really hard to notice them on a day to day  basis. But in two weeks or a month you will see. You will look back and think, wow, I was a different person.
I sometimes think that before my injury will go completely away, there is a change in mind, in attitude that's needs to be done first. I don't know why I think that, but I'm pretty sure, that before I can move on, my mind needs to be ready.

Less chatter, more listening
There's been some little awkward shift in my sensitivity lately, when it comes to senses. I've been told many times that I should start listening to my body more, and I really tried (with mixed luck ;) to tune in. It's been fairly ok now.
So here is a more literal listening story : I lost my iPod nano. And then I found it yesterday! Guess what, I just could not believe the volume I had been listening to. I had to lower it down significantly and also with my iPad. More sensitive sense of hearing? Maybe.
There is also something even more awkward. I had some really weird and actually kind of creepy psychic stuff going on. I would think something, and it would stay in my subconscious and the next day it would happen. And of course I would be just super creeped out :D

More peace and carry on ;)
I think that the less impatience I have for the injury to go away, the more peace I get.
This situation had caused a stir in myself and I feel like it flipped everything I've been used to upside down.  It taught me to stop panicking and just carring on with whatever I can do. I have a tendency to quit when something seems too hard or way beyond my limitation. I just want to shut the door and stay home and cry. Injury has taught me (or is still trying to teach me ;)  that whatever situation comes up, I can take a deep breath, step back and treat it with peace, and just carry on. Then again, this way of thinking did not come overnight. I did have a couple of episodes of complete panic. But it starts to instill itself more and I'm really glad, cause I always wanted more peace, but I just never had any tool to derive it. It also translates to a daily life. I've been stuck in couple of unpleasant situations and managed to step back and heal the entire situation with love rather then just acting out on emotions. It really surprised me , but then I know where I learned that (namaste).

Hey last but not least.... There's been a moment when I almost quit. The mind was so entangled, I was so tired of all that. I just didn't know what to do anymore.
I do still sometimes get confused. I have bad days and and I sometimes panic.
But at the end I think it's all worth it. It really takes you on a journey I never thought I will embark and teaches you things that you think you are never or too old to learn or re-learn.
This experience has taught me that the practice itself is not to be taken for granted. Just as a gift of life. It really puts everything into perspective. I understood how sacred it was the moment I was about to loose it. I knew I could stand firmly even if the ground spins. And I actually relax into that spinning and don't fall over or hurt myself.
I understood that the power comes from me. And I am capable of taking care of myself. I got a tiny little taste of strength that lies within me. And for which I had been so desperately searching outside.
It's just a beginning of a journey, but I know I can dig deeper into that strength. Slowly, one day at the time. I also feel gratitude  that I'm blessed with people that can point me into that direction.
I just can't say much more, other than... Keep practicing. (And all is coming)
Namaste :)
Joanna

Injury waltz + 14 steps to dance it ;)

Hello,

So yeah, injury sometimes it happens and it also happened to me. During last couple of weeks I had problems with my back, especially lower back part, and I felt some tension and mild pain. That means I had to modify my practice (with help of my teacher) and drop second series, deep backbends and also Supta Kurmasana. The guess is actually that I might have hurt myself during Supta Kurmasana entry (that I was doing Dwi Pada way) and I might have pushed my legs behind my head too much too quickly; which is I think quite possible ;) I also felt a little pop when entering headstand two weeks ago... The diagnosis is basically that one of the joints of my pelvis keeps on popping out of the socket what is the source of pain. My massage therapist told me that this is usually like you have to put it inside the socket couple of times before it stays in for good.
After seeing the massage therapist for the second time on Thrusday, the pain went away completely. Maybe this pelvis of mine decided to stay in the socket after all. (FINGERS CROSSED!) I need to be extra careful the next couple of days so I don't do anything that it will make it pop out. On the other hand, how naughty of the pelvis to try and go somewhere without me! Unbelievable ! ;)
Anyway,
 I collected some tips from my teacher, and my own observations that I think are helpful through the recovery process. I know that I myself had been browsing the net madly searching "ashtanga yoga back pain" "ashtanga yoga back injury" "popping hip" etc etc etc etc endlessly, to look for some other people experiences. That's why I decided to put this up for other lost souls ;) These are just some things that I found useful, and they don't necessary have to be true for everybody.
(In no particular order)

1) Modify your practice
If you keep on going with the regular stuff you do, you might (or will) make the injury worst.
Consult with your teacher the poses you should omit or modify.
If something gives you pain, back off immediately, and let your teacher know.
At first I had problem with not checking again if something hurts. For example I did Urdhva Dhanurasana and it hurt so I went back down, and tried again. I would say it's not a good idea. Just back off immediately.

2) Listen to your body
Sounds properly ridiculous when said by me but hey, at least try.  ;) I'm really bad in listening to my body and there are many things that stand on my way. First of all my body doesn't give me many signals and if it does they are very subtle and easy to ignore. Through years of dancing I successfully learned to ignore those signals and just kept on going regardless of the pain. That's one if the reasons I think I got finally injured. Yoga asked me to listen more carefully and do not ignore the signals. That also requires quite an amount of focus, that in my case gets pulled really easily, so I have to put some extra effort.

3)Drop the ego or rather "let it bleed to dead"
Here is an awesome post by Kino MacGregor that treats on ashtanga, injury and ego.
A must read!
Healing injuries with yoga by Kino MacGregor
A must watch:

4)Have an experienced teacher you trust

And let him/her know of your problem. He/she will help you modify your practice and advice you what postures you should avoid to not make the injury worst and help the body to heal. A good teacher can also be a source of valuable advice when it comes to dealing with injury. 

5) Have just one teacher

Sure its fun to do workshops or drop-ins in other teacher's class from time to time, but now it isn't a time. Nobody knows your practice and body as well as your regular teacher and I would personally not feel safe anywhere else if I was injured. 

Given that another teacher does not know the nature of your own injury , he or she might unintentionally hurt you when adjusting.

That being said if you already have two teachers, make sure the both stay up to date with your problem.

6)Listen to what your teacher says!

Even the best teacher won't help if you won't listen to him. When your teacher says don't do something, submit. He/she does not do that to annoy you, but for your own benefit. 

7) Get a proper diagnosis 

It actually should be the first step. It's important to know what exactly is going on in order to get treatment that will help and to modify your practice in accordance to what's actually wrong. The better you know what's causing the problem the more help you can get.

8)Get a good massage/phisio therapist

And if you are in Warsaw, there's a good one here

http://astanga.pl/pl/fizjoterapia/

9)Keep positive and don't freak out. 

Worrying never cured anything. (If it did let me know ;)

I know that although I have my double PhD in worrying but it really doesn't help, it makes it worst. I read about the study that shows a connection between attitude of mind and chance of complete recovery. People that have a positive attitude recover faster for variety of reasons. One of them is more ability to take action, other than just idle worry. Worry also creates tension in the body, that does not help the recovery.

 If you are already worried here are some things we can do:

- try to rationalize

- talk to your teacher (that helped:) you are not the only person on earth that ever had an injury. 

-take actions ! Go get a diagnosis, go to a treatment, do something to aid an injury. It will take your mind off worring and into actually some productive stuff.

-Indulge into distraction. Watch a movie, write a poem, draw a picture. 

(Or write a very long blog post :D

11)Take an extra day off if you need to.

Respect you body's need for an extra time of and give it to it. Get plenty of rest and sleep. This isnt a good time to take an extra work on. 

12)Do not  Doctor Google yourself

That's what I did, it only made me more nervous ! 

I mean let's face it - unless you see a professional there is no 100% confidence what's up with you. So really, obsessing over it doesn't help.  Really. I've checked it! ;)

14)Address the problem 

 Find a way to work so that the injury does not re appear in future.

For me it turned out to be lack of balance between strength and flexibility, because I'm lacking strength. Here is a combo of strength exercises that my teacher recommended I do, so I get stronger. 

I have to warn you though - it looks easy but it is KILLER. Good for me! :)