Long and bumpy road into self - acceptance

I'm currently jumping with my pink yoga towel into dark well of self- hatered

;)

(I really have to use some humor here :D

Tomorrow is Moonday. This information was somehow not surprising.

I think that the moon seen that I've reached my limit in battling with my mind every day and I fully admit, that I need to have a day off. I will gladly sleep in and give myself a break from thinking. I will even more gladly go back on mat the next day :)Cause the limit of rest for me is one day in a row. (I'm not sure if that expression is grammatically or conceptually correct ;)

The road to accepting yourself is very hard and bumpy. 

Gosh I'd love to love myself. 

But everyday that I step on my mat (and pink towel that should brighten my thoughts but it doesn't ;), I dig into the well without a bottom of self-hatred and self -defying thoughts. In this clip, Kino MacGregor speaks beautifully about using your practice as a mirror for yourself.

 Gosh sometimes I wish I didn't see myself there. But I somehow come every day. Because I felt shift in my thoughts, and I've seen changes for good. I believe I can heal my self image too, as it is the top problem that came into surface right now. I know that if I don't come, and if I give up, I might just never get the chance to face it. That's a very tricky thing that yoga asks you to do. You come and you do your practice, and you continue this practice even if everything inside you screams to stop and to give up. Also in the clip mentioned above, Kino talks about burning through the obstacles, and that the most obstacles are presented itself by the mind. I could not agree more, as I checked for myself.

I came to the point in my practice, that I really feel like crying every day. I just have this feeling of hating myself so much sometimes. Of wishing I was someone else, or wishing that I didn't exists at all. What's magical about that.... Whenever those feelings arise, I just continue with the practice. This is something new for me, because I'm used to quitting in the moment that I feel an emotional breakdown is coming.  I just shut myself down. What that did to me, is that it disabled me to face my fears. Right now I just feel like I'm standing face to face with them, and every day I understand myself a little more, and I come to terms with myself a little more. It's very hard to notice that shift on a daily basis, but if you you look in perspective of couple of weeks or months, you can really see it. I think it's necessary to go though that, I don't have any scientific proof, but I just feel it's right. Every day I feel like I can't stand myself any more and I really wish I was someone else. But at the end, I finish my practice, and I go home, and I feel stronger than I was the day before. Because I faced myself. As stupid as it sounds. And as simple as it can be. 

And as difficult as it can get. 

I've been running away from myself all my life. Now is time to stop.

I send healing thoughts and love to anyone who is going thought that now, or facing any of their inside black holes. 

Keep practicing :) and don't give up on yourself! 

Joanna