Panic, panic.
My best know reaction.
For virtually everything.
I'll tell you a short (and true) story.
How one day I went from complete panic to laughter
In less than 50 minutes.
It was just one day,
I came really aggravated.
I'm not sure why.
I just sometimes wake up like this.
I was just really really worried.
Even the bike ride didn't cheer me up.
In my head the thoughts where having a ball.
(Maybe even a prom.... ;)
I just felt so tired.
I thought my back pain will never go away.
The thoughts in my head were telling me
That I can't keep on going anymore.
That sound familiar.
It's not the first time I've heard this voice.
But I kept on going.
I really felt nauseas and dizzy.
But I locked my bike and proceeded to the studio.
I knew that practice is ready to welcome me
No matter how I feel.
So,
I unrolled my mat.
That's how the magic happened.
I felt almost instant shift in my mood.
By the 3rd Sun Salutation B,
It was better.
By the Trikonasana, it was ok.
When I reached the sited sequence,
My brains and my mind, felt completely free.
Sometimes it's all a matter of decision.
The negative feelings arise,
I see them.
But I choose to not feed them.
To not dwell and entertain them.
So they don't get comfortable here.
Then I can make a choice to.
I can chose to let them go.
It actually helps to say to yourself, couple of times.
I let it go.
I know that the feelings of worry do not make anything better.
They do not solve the problems itself.
I just have problem with letting them go.
OR rather to make a decision to let them go.
I think this is because I'm used to them.
Like they were the only thing I ever knew.
Because they are really.
But now it's starting to change.
Very slowly, but there is something going on.
(An eviction party for negative thoughts !!!!!)
(Maybe I have to organize one :D)
(That'd be awesome ;)
Like today.
I was unwell at the morning and I dressed and undressed couple of times before I decided I REALLY seriously can't go today, I'm too just unwell.
There was also another decision to make.
My first instinct was: oh no. I want to go! And I'm gonna die from sadness if I don't go. But then I decided to not give in to it. And let it go. There is always tomorrow.
From the moment I was born, I was always swinging through extremes. Till now.
I'm either super happy or completely somewhere in despair.
That's another question - question of balance.
Then again practice can help me look for that.
Like, you know, I was working on that Uddiyana Bandha thing.
The effect was there but sometimes I just went overboard with tensing up everything so much that the breathing was out of question.
The problem is that you can't really balance for example a headstand when your whole body is tensed like a piece of wood. So I need to look for balance. Everywhere. Not only on the mat. That's quite a challenge for my extreme personality I must say ;)
I think it also takes a lot of acceptance, love towards yourself. Like unconditional acceptance. To just be able to make that change. I'm still looking for it.
It's all also really connected.
Like everything.
Together with accepting your failures.
Letting yourself enjoy,
Knowing that you don't have to make yourself suffer.
(At least try to not do it all the time ;)
Then again I'm not sure how it all happens
But it happens.
And it feels pretty wonderful.
Together with being sheer grateful for what you've got
And actually not wanting anything more
Enjoying the moment you've got now.
Finding something beautiful in each moment
Every person
And yourself.
Learning something from each moment,
Every person.
Loving unconditionally
Each moment,
Every person
(Especially person that can be unpleasant to you!)
And even yourself !
I do realise it all could sound like a bunch of clichės
But I am discovering a new land for myself so....;)
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